I’ll be like “I’m just gonna go take a quick look around the bookstore” and come back weeks later in flowing white robes having defeated a Balrog
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If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
Walking down the road last night, I passed an apple pie, an ice cream sundae, and a lemon cheesecake.
I thought: “the streets are strangely desserted tonight”.
[First day as a fighter pilot]
*punches every passenger in the stomach as they board*
Be the reason why church doors slam shut as you walk by.
Whoever has my voodoo doll can you give it a job
This dressing room attendant would be a lot more helpful if she offered to bring me a drink, instead of a different size.
Back in college, I knew sisters named Summer and Autumn. Instead of saying hello to them, I would say “seasons greetings!”
They didn’t like me very much.
*Does something bad*
Mom: *tells the entire family, tweets, posts on Facebook, blogs, tells people in china*
5 years ago my dad texted me “i dreamed up the title of a poem last night” and i said “what was the title” and he said “Thoughts Upon Receiving Notice The Frogs Had Cast Off Their Green Skins and Revealed Their True Glorious Selves” and i have thought of that every day since.
“Stalker” has such a negative connotation. I prefer to think of myself as a classy international spy that happened to take a very personal interest in your case.
*proposes to girlfriend*
*accidentally drops ring in the street*
“I’ll still marry you”
Sorry, I’m married to the streets now
you’ve heard of fomo now get ready for fobi (fear of being included)
Being a parent isn’t just a job it’s a way of life. Like coal mining, or deep sea fishing, or ice road trucking….really any job that’s actively trying to kill you.
A recent medical study shows that women who carry a little extra weight generally live longer than the men in their lives who mention it.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
Me: *levitating, a jumble of furniture swirls chaotically around me*
Him: so, you still mad?
Does this thing get good gas mileage?
-my husband being kidnapped
how about a smoke detector that can tell the difference between me cooking bacon and my house being engulfed in flames
Once again, I have waited till the very last minute to do Christmas shopping. Today I shall battle my fellow procrastinators at the mall. “Here are some socks and underwear kids. I had to shank a woman For these”
ME: hey did u get my letter?
HER: No
ME: weird, my carrier penguin should’ve made it by now
HER: You mean carrier pigeon?
ME: lol what
Apples to apples? You’re not a very good wizard.
I like to diffuse situations with humor
And a machete
a tiny insect just tried to fly into my eye then immediately died on the bathroom sink, guys I think it saw my brain
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.
[to psychic gf] the spirits you talk to make fun of me don’t they
“no”
[she laughs for no reason]
AHHHH *punching the air* FIGHT ME SPIRITS
I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.
[gently takes the Spider-Man franchise outside using a cup and piece of paper]
There you go, little buddy. You’re free now.
Can you die from sitting on the floor to play with your kid, because I just tried to get up and it feels like you can die from it.
Lose something? Need help? Call 1-800-MOM & a team of moms will be deployed to you to ask you “Well, did you look?”Or “did you look-look?”