Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but it’s not necessary to show it off.
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Baby bump? That’s a McRib bump.
If they handed out awards for peeling a hard boiled egg with grace, I would get absolutely nothing.
“As a creative person I’m often asked where I get my ideas.” Yeah. As a creative person you often imagine people doing that but they don’t.
Wow… the headline was intriguing, but the payoff was beyond my wildest expectations
“no animal except humans drinks the milk of another animal” cool, no animal except humans has netflix either, what’s your point
People buying plungers never look happy.
Girls will be like, “You don’t mind if I put something of yours in my mouth, do you?”
And then they eat all your fries.
How high do the levels go?
Vader: Join the dark side!
Luke: Maybe. What’s your Wi-Fi password?
Vader: We don’t have Wi-Fi.
Luke: I’LL NEVER JOIN YOU!
“We all have two lives. The second begins when you realize you only have one.”
~ Tom Hiddleston
I pack extra bags when I travel so I have room to bring back souvenirs, candies, hotel towels, the extra toilet paper, stuff like that.
VENTRILOQUIST: {getting waterboarded}
PUPPET: Stop you’re killing him!
CIA AGENT: Get me more water!
If you let me be president, I will just straight up tell you if aliens exist.
*takes my split ends to couples counseling*
*watching tv
Me: “Don’t just stand there, idiot! Run! Escape while there’s still time! God, I can’t watch”
Wife: (turns off wedding video)
Horse Trainer: OK, so THIS is a very rare breed of unicorn.
Her: He’s kind of uncomfortable to ride.
Horse Trainer: Well, if you sat on its back….
I can’t wait for the day when we can place specific blame in the fine print of pharmaceutical ads like CARL YOU’RE THE REASON WE CAN’T USE THIS WHEN WE’RE DRIVING THE BULLDOZER
Playing “bad guy” with my daughter and she puts me in jail because “your tummy big”.
I guess loving a good burger makes me a criminal.
Me: oh wow, do I detect just a hint a peppermint?
Cellmate: *stabbing me in the neck with a Candy Cane shiv* what is wrong with you?!
Five parrots separated at British zoo after they wouldn’t stop swearing at guests
Nothing is better than a home cooked Thanksgiving dinner
Him: I like bad girls.
Me: Sometimes I deliberately leave out the Oxford comma.
Him:
Me: That’s a lie. I’m sorry, I can’t do this.
“Do you want to be the numerator or the denominator tonight…? You’re so radical!” How I hit on my imaginary mathematician girlfriend
seems like H&M is expecting a rush on Victorian funerals
theory: eating m&ms one at a time will decrease my chances of eating them all in one sitting and feeling terrible later.
findings: I am going to barf very soon.
The Epstein client list but to the tune of Mambo number 5.
my last few brain cells clinging on for dear life
Q: Why did the lawyer put his luggage on the table?
A: He wanted to rest his case.
Children give terrible gifts because they’re poor.
If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain, that’s fine but your piña colada is going to get watered down.