me: *filling up my car with gas*
guy next to me: the gas is supposed to go in the tank
me, pulling the pump out of the window: i don’t own a tank i only have this car
You Might Also Like
My boyfriend died after falling into a giant vat of coffee at work
He didn’t suffer, it was instant
My ex boyfriend listens to Christmas music year round and that’s not even the worst thing about him.
BREAKING NEWS: Local prosthetics store hit by unarmed robbers.
i’m not dating for marriage i’m dating to split streaming and nytimes subscriptions
Why does life keep trying to teach me patience? I don’t want to learn patience!
no one is as indignant as a person who was correctly accused of sleeping
Just saw my Nana for what will probably be the last time. She’s very healthy but never wants to see me again.
Yes. You rt’d me 14 times in a row. Thanks.
You are first in line for my liver when the time comes.
If we ever got together just know that I would totally shower and brush my teeth every day, even on holidays and weekends
My dog always pees against trees when we walk through the neighborhood
I do it one time and now I need bail
GOD: *holds up dinosaur* what do we call this thing
AARON: aardvark
GOD: no you’re fired
LLOYD: llama
GOD: fired
PTOBY: hang on, I got this
My girlfriend left a tampon at my apartment and idk where the left one is. Anyone know where I can get a single left tampon to keep a set here for emergencies?
What I said: GO TO BED!
What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
ME: You have a bigger piece of avocado.
HUSBAND: No, but you can take mine.
ME: Yes you do, but I’m fine.
HUSBAND: Are you sure?
ME: Yes.
HUSBAND: *almost takes a bite*
ME: (sighs)
HUSBAND: Seriously, do you want this?
ME: I said I’m fine. Eat your giant avocado.
Well, shit
laundry day is my favorite day of the week. that’s why I dress for it every day.
Bought a standing desk yesterday. Today I bought a bar stool.
(life flashing before my eyes)
paramedics: why is he cringing?
[boss’s office]
BOSS: Do you like my fire place?
ME: Actually, it’s one word: “fireplace”
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: Oh, I get it now
Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet
I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur
“Bro I hate my eyebrows”
“You serious bro?”
“I think they’re too big, bro”
“Bro, with your face shape, they perfectly frame your eyes. I would kill for your brows, bro”
“Bro :’)”
Her: Have you seen the salsa?
Me: Yes. I must have left it in the bathroom
Her:
What if ants aren’t insects at all but are vehicles that even smaller insects drive to work?
When I see city workers planting a tree I’m like dude… who’s side are you on?
I saw an image of the Virgin Mary on a pumpkin!
It squashed all of my doubts…
And, reinforced my faith in Gourd.
*hit man puts on silencer*
*shoots gun*Gun: YOUR HAIR SMELLS NICE LIKE MY MOMS
Wth?
*looks at case*
Oh I brought the awkward silencer
Monday
[Heart: Tell her her eyes are windows into eternity, filled with fire…
Brain: Beacons, stars in a vast darkness]
Mouth: HEY GREAT EYEBALLS
I was once put in the ‘friend zone,” but with perseverance that all changed. I’m now in the ‘must stay 200 yards away at all times zone.’