YOU THINK CONDOMS ARE STUPID???
My 2yr old just cried for 45 minutes because the TV in our car isn’t as big as the TV in our house…
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Her: I like Halloween too, but we’re not having kids just so you can get free candy once a year.
Get your ski mask. We’re pulling off a popsicle factory heist. I got the strawberry shortcakes. Leave no creamsicle behind.
unbelievably distressed by this ad
Doctor: you look awful
Me: *covered in blood* you should see the other guy!
Other guy: *enters, looks fine* still talkin shit?
One of the coolest things about my new show being on HBO Max is that it’ll probably be released in theaters and on TV the exact same day.
i like to start most sentences with “as a writer…” because it’s important to me that everyone know i am, at my core, a liar
“HELP WITH CAT”
ibopfufen
Sorry I had to cancel for the 5th time in a row, I thought you would stop inviting me by now.
When I dropped your baby, that was traumatic for me too. Maybe think about my feelings for once.
If you get confused visiting Canada and you think you’re in France, relax my dear wanderer, you’re not high! It’s not you, it’s just Québec
A woman just dropped a £10 note next to me. I thought, ‘What would Jesus do?’, so I turned it into wine. I bought wine.
I want to be the kind of person who eats half a grapefruit for breakfast and runs every morning but I also want to be happy
[GF comes home to find our son alone]
Where are you? I said to watch him like a hawk!
ME: [soaring 20m above w/ a beakful of mice] I AM
Did it bother anybody else that the guy from that “Operation” game was clearly wide awake?
My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.
OMG my brother in law, the gift that never stops giving, was tired of being sent to get rice every day so he decided buy in bulk, talked to the shop about it, wires got crossed, now there is a literal TRUCK FILLED WITH RICE outside the house and my sister is losing her shit lmfao
Friend: “I just blew a speaker in my car.”
Me: “Which kind?”
Friend: “Motivational.”
Just ordered Dominos while at Dominos because I need a ride home.
I’m just going start inventing words and then tell people that’s what we call it in England.
I’m beginning to suspect I wasn’t sold a corgi
Dr: If you want to lose weight, you need to do things that’ll make you sweat.
Me: *applies for a loan*
What do you mean there’s no cash prize for being the first guy in the neighborhood to shovel his driveway?
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
ME: You should always say no to drugs.
SON: Okay.
ME: Let’s practise. Do you want this drug?
SON: No, two drugs.
Give me a minute, I’m still fighting the urge to bless a stranger who sneezed
I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year. Only 13 to go.
interviewer: why’d u quit ur last job
me: the company moved
interviewer: where to
me: they didn’t tell me
If you answer the phone and say “Hello, you’re on the air.” most telemarketers will hang up quickly.