My father claims there’s nothing like being independent and yet he hasn’t washed a dish since 1975.
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Hypnotist: you’re getting very sleepy
Me, at any hour of the day: how did you know?
That’s it. I’m printing my mom a hard copy of Urban Dictionary for Christmas this year.
All I wanna do is
*BANG BANG BANG*
And *cash register noise*
And eat some hummus
If you think I’m annoying, give it some time. You’ll know for sure pretty soon.
Me: Hey, do you want to go buy some-
Wife: YES!
Them: What inspires you to get up every day and get out of bed?
Me: My bladder mostly.
If I reply touché that means I have no clue what you meant
3: *wakes up before her brother* Mommy, I slept faster!
Me: In sleeping the winner is the one who sleeps slower
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
Doctor: I’m sorry, I did everything I could.
Grieving Family: We just can’t believe you wasted your time getting a PhD in Philosophy.
for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral from a distance wearing a black leather catsuit while standing in the rain and crying, no umbrella, so your family thinks you could have been batman.
Maybe, if I sit very still, this nice family at Olive Garden won’t notice that I’m sitting at their table eating their bread sticks.
Happy Thanksgiving!!! (Penny wanted to dress up as a “Fancy Turkey”… Pls nobody tell her!!)
Checkboxes dating apps /should/ have:
🔲 Willing to sneak snacks into movies
🔲 Good at building blanket forts
🔲 Only sets volume, temp etc. to EVEN numbers
🔲 toilet paper roll goes OVER
🔲 I don’t think the position of the stars when I was born determined my personality
I just don’t understand pedophiles, kids are SO annoying.
*me trying new contouring makeup
Them: now just blend it…blend it
5: what’s for dinner
Me: chicken
5: cow chicken or human chicken?
It’s bullshit that retirement homes have a minimum age. Being old and feeble is a mindset, let me in
13: Mom, you look younger every day.
M: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
M: How young?
13: 29
M: Done.
I used to quickly lick the tip of my pencil when writing my poignant thoughts but now I have to eat three or four pencils just to make a grocery list
Did you know most Americans only get to spend 2-3 hours with a new video game after launch before returning to work?
Paid. Gamer. Leave.
Three simple words I will make law when gamers around the country rise up and take back control of this country (which we founded, btw).
“What’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s” – people with babies
Me as a detective:
[analyzes evidence with magnifying glass]
[evidence catches on fire]
no no no no
Grandmother: “So what is Skype?”
*Explains in great detail on how it works*
“So do I need a computer for it?”
“I JUST…how’s your cat?”
Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I’ve learned that I don’t need to use so many paper towels, and they’re expensive.
I’d like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around
Scientists discovered the largest prime number yet (23 million digits) when it was given to them as the confirmation number after a customer service call with their internet provider.
Me: Why can’t we feed the animals?
Wife: They’ll get lazy and dependent and never, ever go away.
Me: *looks warily at our kids*
Hey Brenda, let’s watch this cute kitten video!
*clicks on “Do You Wear Too Much Perfume?”*
Haha whoops wrong video but LET’S HEAR IT OUT
Cat: I think i have a rash.
Doctor Dog: WE SHOULD AMPUTATE YOUR HEAD