Moderation is good as long as you don’t overdo it.
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you’d think someone who calls themselves a rat-catcher by trade would be more prepared for having a rat thrown at them, just goes to show people aren’t always who they say they are.
My entire life looks like a drug deal gone bad.
cop: “sir im afraid your dog is too cool for this neighbourhood”
me: [turns his little baseball cap round right way]
cop: “ok that’s better”
ME: it was a dark and cold february morning in a town of secrets
ME: (feet on desk) the dame walked in like a panther lost in a Toys-R-Us – angry and full of questions
CUSTOMER: look do you have the book or not
ME: (lights cigar) she had bad news written all over her
shrek was successful because it was a farquadrant movie
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
Slim pickings in the Valentines card aisle this morning. Wish me luck as I transform “Uncle” to look like “Wife.”
*Doorbell rings*
*it’s a regular kid*
“Trick or treat!”
…and what are you supposed to be?
*removes face, revealing an unending void*
HUMAN
COP: what do you think made Gordon Ramsay assault you?
ME: well, he said he was going to show me how to make a three bean chili and when i said a chili should have like, at least thirty beans in it, that’s when he threw the spatula at me
doctor: now let’s step over to the xray machine
ray: the what
Me rushing back from the bathroom at 3 am so I dont lose any tiredness
Damn girl are you a bra because ur very supportive but I can’t figure out how to get you off
I like to creep around my home and act like a goblin
I think it’s bad coaching to tell kids to choke up on the bat. matter of fact i don’t think children should be eating baseball bats at all.
Pro Tip: If you’re searching for Moana You Tube video clips for your kids, DO NOT forget the ‘a’ on the end.
Macklemore was pretty far ahead of me in terms of self-awareness. When I was in the third grade I literally thought I might be a thundercat.
Wife: My mom is watching our kids for the night.
Me: Oh, baby. Do you know what we can do?
*falls asleep at 7 p.m.*
Free will is good, but free pizza is better.
Idk why but I get so much joy out of responding to phone scammers with the most dire and preposterous situations
playing wake you up before your alarm with my neighbor.
So eBay takes 10% of your profits and Craig’s List is 100% free, but with the chance of being murdered…such a dilemma
1st base: kissing
2nd base: petting
base 10: freaky math stuff
Programming Skills: PRIMARILY RUBY AND PYTHON BUT I CAN USE ANY TYPE OF GEM TO CONTROL ANY TYPE OF SNAKE
KIDS: trick or treat
ME: hang on guys I’m still setting up the sushi bar. Who likes eel?
Her: I’m a sapiophile
Me: I don’t know what that is
Her: it’s being attracted to intelligence
Me: totally I am a sap… sapial… me too
Watched golf for two hours
before realizing that
the TV was off.
my disrespectful teen son somehow got hold of a gluten product and now he wants to become a cat girl
I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.
You don’t want to be on any project or mission with a checklist that includes “backup underwear”.
A homeless guy asked me “would you give me $5 for a sandwich?”
I said “I don’t know man, show me the sandwich first.”