Me: “Can I put this sweatshirt in the dryer?”
Wife: “Well, what does it say on it?”
Me: “Buffalo Sabres.”
Wife: “You’re an idiot”
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[Considering whether a recipe is easy enough to attempt]
Recipe: First, finely chop—
Me: I’m out.
banks email like “Ummmmm we have a MESSAGE for you. In your INBOX” and then the message is like “Hello we are your bank”
Me: your honor, this man wakes up an HOUR early so he can MAKE and EAT breakfast before work
Him: I-
Judge: THIS IS NOT YOUR TIME TO TALK YOU MONSTER
I’m too rational for astrology. Why would I ask a goat in the sky to tell my fortune when I can consult the entrails of an actual goat right here on Earth?
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned. I’m here to cleanse my conscience.
Bartender: So…the usual?
me: I don’t like other people’s kids
them: how old are yours?
me: I don’t have any
Sportscenter, episode 542783747363467367984768474756431063389425993399064375493638386747899532689432462567953467347: Men talking animatedly.
If you think your life is awful my mom keeps track of my “cycle” and just told me that I’m ovulating and that I should mingle more.
Ordered a book about trees from my library. It’s on root.
Me: [ Seizing the Day ]
Monday:
If you ever feel silly for being on Twitter just remember there are people on national television asking “ghosts” questions.
I cleaned out my car and washed it, and now I feel like I can properly look down on others like god intended.
“I know it doesn’t look good on paper, but hear me out guys, Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na BATMAN!!!!”
*opens door
*finds flower petals and candles leading to bedroom
*calls cops to report a break in
*flashlight under chin*
Me: And then the accountant told her how many more years she had to work until retirement.
*all the adults scream*
My doctor says I shouldn’t get out of bed at 12:51 AM to make myself a sandwich but he hasn’t suggested who should do it for me.
I texted someone “hell yeah,” but autocorrect changed it to “hell year” because even our phones know.
Me, to the fellas: Load up. We getting magical tonight.
I’ll apologize for last night right after you tell me which parts you still remember.
All of Ariel’s mer-sisters’ names started with A too. More like keeping up with the Karsplashians.
I have decided to keep my uncomfortable home office chair
This encourages me to spend less time in it
I’m not gonna wear uggs or crocs or any other shoe that sounds like a noise my body makes involuntarily.
am i anxious? yes. but is that going to stop me from doing things i love? also yes
Me: *pushes chips forward* I’m all in.
Dealer: Sir, for the last time those are Doritos.
Paramedic: What happened?
Me: [lying in pool of blood] I told my girlfriend she was turning into her mother and she stabbed me.
Paramedic: They all turn into their moth– *also gets stabbed*
The average person gains 4 pounds during the holidays. Once again, I’m above average.
If your smol dog fren beelines for me, running across your yard, do not yell for him. If this is how I die, mauled by a floof, so be it.
Me: Your wifi isn’t working
Dad: Well, it’s right next to you!
Me: Yes it’s obviously something I’m doing wrong. I’ll wifi harder
Maybe the environment should adapt to accommodate our negligence did it ever think about that
the most unrealistic thing about stranger things is how max was the only character who was advised to seek psychological help