The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.
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Airlines need to freakin’ make up their mind abt the temp of the plane once n for all.
1st flight was so freakin’ cold, I could see my soda freeze as I was drinking it n now the 2nd one is throwing so much hot air like I wanna lie naked rn!!!
#travelling
#AmericanAirlines
Stop asking “What ELSE could go wrong?” The universe doesn’t understand that it’s a rhetorical question.
gf: that guy hit on me, show him who’s boss
me: *whispering to guy* she is
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Dwayne Johnson: *sweating nervously* certainly not paper that’s for sure
I’ve realized about a third of my life is spent trying to ignore the fact that I have to pee.
ME AT AGE 6: I am 6 and three-quarters as of tomorrow!
ME YESTERDAY: I am…I wanna say 32? Wait what year is it?
Feeling invisible and unnoticed?
Put in your ear buds and they won’t shut the hell up.
Getting my 6yo from a playdate today:
6: “Bye! Thank you! You need to wash your hair!”
Friend’s mom (laughing): “I do?”
6: “Yeah, it’s black near your head!”
Friend’s mom (still laughing, thank god): “Oh honey, those are just my roots.”
Me, dying 1,000 deaths: “Time to go!”
An OnlyFans but for bedtime stories.
What do you mean you no longer like one of the five foods you actually eat: a parenting memoir
Toy Story (1995) – A cowboy & a deluded astronaut battle over who gets to sleep with a 6-year-old boy.
Does the employee manual say I CAN’T set up my camping tent inside my cubicle? No? Then please step outside & zip the door up behind you.
I’m weird but not “sit around the house with my shirt tucked in even though I’ve got no plans to leave” weird. That shit’s 4 serial killers.
Her: Oh, please… You’ll make a pass at anything in a skirt.
Me: Yeah, last night a Scotsman nearly killed me!
8 digit bank passcode is protecting my 3 digit bank balance 😂
carolers: *knock on door*
(Simon Cowell answers the door)
carolers: *gulp*
Pro tip: If you ever lose your wedding ring, just run the vacuum cleaner. You’ll find it.
$4 #usedbooks
My 3yo, who has to have everything read aloud to him, opened a fortune cookie tonight that said, “The path to success lies in taking a bath without fussing or throwing water out of the tub and getting out nicely with no crying.” what are the ODDS
5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?
Me: Ham? Yes
some cats are just doing for fun!
[during sex]
Him: punish me, baby
me: *tells him everything I had to eat that day*
Him: wait, stop
me: hang on *hands him the phone* my mom wants to talk to you
Him: *dies*
Yesterday I overheard my little niece saying to herself, “I can’t have that job when I grow up because I want to be a mummy and have children.” I set my phone aside for a serious talk about how she could do any job she wanted AND have children. Friends, the job was nun.
[checking my phone]
“i hope this email finds you being mauled” ha ha what in the heck
[suddenly a bear is in my kitchen]
Reporter: He was strangled by a loved one
My Murderer: Whoa, love is a strong word
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
2 years ago, I called up a friend and left a message, she called me back today. I’m not kidding.
robber: alright everybody hit the floor!
me, wearing applebottom jeans and the boots with the fur: my time has come
Age 8: Flinging myself off the swings at high speed onto a concrete floor, bouncing up instantly and laughing before bounding away like a gazelle.
Age 48: Raising my eyebrows in a slightly more robust way than usual and fracturing my skull.
My mother-in-law said “just do what you normally do” when she came to stay with us. Not going to lie, naked Saturday was a little awkward.