Chef: And then you just cover it with gravy and cheese
Me: Don’t stop, you’re poutine me in the mood
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“Babe I wanna ask you something”
*gets down on one knee*
“When The Little Mermaid became human, how’d she know to use a toilet?”
*ties shoe*
It’s legally required that you lose a frisbee onto the roof within one hour of purchase
[first day as a baker]
boss: WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT?
me: you said to make donuts
b: THAT’S NOT HOW WE MAKE THE HOLES!
m: oh… in that case you may want to avoid the cream-filled ones too
Its awkward touching hands with another man in a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man & he doesnt know youre eating his popcorn
Asking for a donation like Wikipedia every time someone asks me a question
her: psssssssst
me: ?
her: psssssssssssssssssssssst
me: ???
her: psssssssssssssssssssssssssssstGOD DAMN IT, MY BLOW UP DOLL HAS A PUNCTURE
Apparently the g-spot is located in a $1700 pair of Christian Louboutins.
*walks into work 20 minutes late*
*boss glares at me*
“Sorry. Traffic.”
*boss gestures to my Starbucks cup*
“Oh this? I found it.”
When I become a ghost, Im going to leave messages in blood, but theyre gonna be overwhelmingly positive, like “You’re Doing A Great Job”
Come and get your love.
I don’t deliver. Take out only.
Me: Do you want McD or KFC for dinner?
Hubs: Can’t you make something? Any ideas?
Me: Divorce
What’s the downside of being rude to your executioner?
CYCLOPS: what’s that screaming?
PROF. X: I maxed out the difficulty in the danger room
WOLVERINE: [running through the aisles of a virtual grocery store trying to avoid talking to neighbors, old class mates, and ex gfs] NOOOOOOOOOO
If video games taught me anything it’s that you don’t need to work because there’s precious gems just laying around everywhere.
I don’t like changing clocks twice a year. It gets expensive buying new clocks.
My son used to check under the bed for monsters. So once I hid under there – so he’d see me and laugh. Anyway, child therapy is pricey.
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
If your partner keeps saying “we need to refine our packages” on their zoom you’re left with no option but to text “I’ll refine your package” causing him spray his coffee in front of everyone.
I wipe my counters with raw chicken breasts because I refuse to have weak children.
I’ve been watching far to many episodes of Extreme Homes. I want one made of containers, w/solar panels,heated floors, recessed lighting, indoor pool w waterfall/swim up bar, and windows to the ocean & garden on my roof. Floating.
[after a few beer I get the confidence to use the word cataclysmic] the effects of the climate crisis are going to be [beer doing what beer does] catsarechristmas
I want to make some strangers on the internet unreasonably mad today, but first I need to put my cast iron skillet in the dishwasher
This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and number of friends.
Satan: I’m bored. Let’s keep telling her that’s not her password.
Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 😩
Someday future archaeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think it was some bizarre mouse-worshiping kingdom.
my kid used my Netflix profile so now my “continue watching” thread is Murder, Murder, Cocomelon, Murder, Murder, Baking
AOL has been hacked. Users have also been asked to check their Atari settings for possible compromise.
They say you are what you eat.
*opens a big bag of nuts
You know you spend too much time with your kids when there’s Sesame Street music in your head while mentally undressing women.