This is my last day in my 30s. Please send thoughts and prayers… or money. That helps too.
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My sister got that phone call from school that everyone fears… her kid has LICE, so she asked me what to do and I told her to pick up lots of wine because if she’s going to have lice then she might as well be drunk and have lice.
I put the “rad” into “gradual descent into madness”
My kid:
With blanket – too hot
Without blanket – too coldUnder my blanket with a leg over my neck – perfect
Hate it when dudes say “leave something to the imagination!” like what do you think is under my clothes? a mystery prize? a pumpkin? Obama?
[showing baby to friends]
“Aw, he looks like his dad!”
Wife [trying to hold back tears]: they say there’s nothing they can do
Amazed I’ve never been framed for murder I shed more than a golden retriever
i’ve decided to start saying “moopy” instead of “movie” just subtly enough that people will silently question it but will never ask. i deserve this.
*takes off Scooby-Doo head*
Rivorce?!
I finally got my 11yo interested in a sport, and all it took was hiring a pretty 16yo girl to coach him.
Fun Fact: In New York City it’s a Class A felony for a pizzeria to run out of pepperoni.
*visits random websites just for the cookies*
Watching your childhood favorites as an adult really makes you wonder, “What the hell were my parents thinking?”
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
11: dad do you know what 3+3+3+3 is?
Me: 12
11:
Me:
11: ok I was just making sure that you’re not –
Me: choose your next words wisely.
Of course I believe in science, like how jelly grows inside donuts.
I always wear a wet suit and goggles to the pub so I don’t look like an idiot when I wake up on the beach in the morning.
Ghosts think they are so scary but I see right through them
Me: Can I interest you in a nightcap?
Her: *blushing* sure
Me: What’s your hat size?
Only 4 beers left in house. Time to find new house.
A friend just texted me & asked for relationship advice. That’s like asking the pope to name all the members of Slipknot.
It’s amazing what happens when you take a little time to get to know someone.
They become even more annoying.
Feeling pretty tough lately and thinking about joining a gang. Any of you guys need an accountant?
A shark can sense a drop of blood from 3 miles away, and a mom can sense you’re not getting enough to eat from 10,000.
My 4yo just started playing rock, paper, scissors with himself. The good news is he won.
*First hour into camping with my family with no phone*
I have 2 kids?!
7-year-old: I found a penny.
Me: Good job.
7: How many more do I need for college?
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
It’s actually a little puzzling that the Centaurs for Disease Control didn’t approve horse dewormer.
I want what they have
Convince neighbours you’re shrinking by walking past their window with progressively larger jars of hellmann’s mayonnaise.