Guys, if you want to make a girl moan, tremble, and scream: be a spider.
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When did we get a dog?
-me, getting into the wrong gray minivan at Target
“I’ll vote for a Democrat when hell freezes over.” — Texas Republicans
“Deal.” — Mother Nature
I asked my waitress if she thought me eating alone was embarrassing and she said, “I work at Cheesecake Factory”
When I’m old enough, my kids better not leave me alone with a box of Crayolas and anything upholstered
I wanna get on a taxi and after riding around a while without saying anything, tell the driver ‘I killed myself on that bridge 2 years ago’
You undercook one turkey, and suddenly Thanksgiving can’t be at your house anymore.
-me giving holiday hosting advice
Wife: Did you hear the water park went out of business?
Me: Oh no!
Wife: What?
Me: Bankruptsea!
Husband and I were blissfully happy for 25 years.
Then we met.
There’s nothing worse than being in public & you touch something that shouldn’t be sticky & it is.
Alien Archeologist: this human was buried covered in chicken bones, we theorize he believed in a poultry afterlife.
Me: (25,000 years earlier, climbing into a KFC dumpster in the dead of night)
*forgets to bring grocery list to the store*
I can handle this…
*comes home with cheese and bath salts*
Nailed it.
Reminder: Please just hit the “RT” button on my tweets if you’re ugly. Don’t want people associating your busted face with my art.
y’all I’m about to get violent cuz wtf
When my middle school English teacher didn’t know the word “anecdote,” it became my first successful field test of discretion vs. valor.
[1st date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Her: “I’m a Herpetologist.”
Me: “Great! [pulls pants down] How bad is this?”
– How much for the mobile tampon?
– Ma’am?
– It’s a bit big.
– Ma’am, it’s a lamb.
– Does it make that sound because it has detected blood?
“Just dashing to the shops”
Woman [showers, washes hair, styles hair, puts on make up, chooses outfit, irons clothes]
Man [grabs car keys]
It never felt more springy than that time I got drunk and slept on my neighbours trampoline.
Wife: So, I really need you to help out this week, because I’m super busy at work.
Me: Mmm hmmm
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: *thinking about opening a restaurant for cats* You need me to buy super glue and a wok. Got it.
if all my dreams come true then the next time i go grocery shopping i’ll start mopping up a spill because suddenly i work there but then realize i forgot to wear pants so i’ll try to run home but my legs are made of rubber and then all my teeth fall out so stop wishing that on me
One of our insect keepers said she had butterflies in her stomach but she didn’t seem all that nerv-SONOFA!
Just saw a fat woman lick icing off of her sleeve so that is the last time I eat in front of a mirror.
Kitchen Rule No 1.
Don’t walk away from boiling milk unless you’re willing to start over and scrub that stove for a 100 years.
Overheard at the hardware store today …
Clerk: This interior house paint dries in 3 to 4 hours.
Customer: How much longer will it take to dry in the dark?
JOB REQUIREMENTS: Must have a college degree. Must have 5 years experience. Must have volunteered as tribute and won the 74th Hunger Games.
When I asked for my wife’s hand in marriage, I didn’t realize how often I’d just get the finger.
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m trying to spell Chrysanthemum
[Turning a carved Halloween pumpkin around so it’s now a Thanksgiving pumpkin] “haha suck it, Martha Stewart”
“Last Christmas” is a strange song. It’s been 12 months and we’re just now addressing this situation?