[Running a marathon]
Guy beside me: are- are you wearing tap dancing shoes?
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“Uh-oh!”
– My toddler, looking me dead in the eye while he feeds his dinner to the dog
Happy Thanksgiving
Isn’t it ironic that all of Alanis Morissette’s friends knew her song had nothing to do with irony but, being Canadian, were too polite to tell her.
I have a time phobia.
*looks at watch, panics
*looks at clock, panics
*looks at thyme “This I can handle.”
Sorry I mostly speculated about my missing stapler in your leaving card.
The key to a successful marriage is letting things go. I’ve started with myself.
Why did they call it ‘Rambo: First Blood Part 2’ instead of ‘Rambo: Second Blood’? That’s some bullshit right there.
Every time you think Florida can’t top itself. BAM!
May he without sin cast the first stone
[Everybody picks up rocks]
Sharing Netflix passwords counts as sin
[Everybody puts rocks back down]
me: I heard you guys have a rule that kids don’t get a peppermint after the meal if they don’t eat their vegetables–is that true?
waiter: ah, nah, we bring them out either way
kids: YAAAAY!!!
me: thanks, bro
It’s 11:48 PM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed, there’s a creepy rustle, as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a granola bar.
Maybe Tailgate wants to be banged. Did you ask? You don’t know.
і wіsh you could doordash people knuckle sandwіches
A dog walks into a bar. Then a bank. Then the dry cleaners. This is a dog world. Way to be productive, dog. Try to do the bar last next time
[wakes up to crying in the night]
Wife: can you go check the baby
Me, climbing back into bed 2 mins later: yeah that was the baby
I think it’s fair to question whether or not Barack Obama is an American. I mean, look at him.
He’s awfully thin…
How much longer must I pretend to understand the eclipse, this is exhausting.
Excuse me miss, you’re a cat – a man who doesn’t know how to cat call
“When one door closes, another one opens.” -Boeing
Realtor: This house will need a lot of work, but it has good bones
Dog: WE’LL TAKE IT
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Me: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
[At a loud club]
Me: *the unceasing drone of locusts, driving to madness all unlucky souls who hear it*
Him: WHAT?
Me: *THE UNCEASING DRO
If I had a twin, whenever someone asked which one of us was older, I’d tell them that we both came out at the exact same time.
When the vet gives my cat a pill vs when I give my cat a pill.
The first time God made the universe, he skipped leg day. All men were weeping creatures, who ended in bloody torsos and begged for death.
nothing like a slow cooked sausage
how is everyone so excited about a scary month after *checks notes* like 250 of them in a row
Adult: What’s that a drawing of?
Someone else’s kid: A house and a rainbow and my smiling family
My kids: SONIC THE HEDGEHOG BUT HE FOUGHT ALIENS AND NOW HE’S COVERED IN BLOOD SEE HERE I AM CRYING ON THE CORNER
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not exhausted that’s just your face now.
Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.