I’m like a semicolon; most people don’t know what to do with me.
You Might Also Like
Honey we’re having guests tonight, break out the fine jina
I bought a high-tech mop and I’m very excited about it. Not so excited that I’m going to throw up, but it wouldn’t be a problem if I did.
Me, to my kid: Pay attention! You’ve got to focus, it’s important in life…
Me, two minutes later: Where’d you go?!
[before animals were invented]
plants: this is nice
I know you’re not supposed to hug the old lady giving out samples at Costco, but the sausage she gave me had cheese inside. Cheese.In.Side.
20’s: I can’t remember where I left my keys
30’s: I can’t remember where I left my car
40’s: I can’t remember where I left my kids
What’s the matter, babe?
You haven’t touched any of your Shrekfast.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that does karate
I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later.
I have the ambition and optimism of Wile E Coyote and also the success of Wile E Coyote.
Cashier: That will be $82.07.
Me: I’d like to use my 8 trillion rewards points towards this.
Cashier: That will be $82.03.
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
Do we have a gender neutral pronoun yet?
Me: I’ll never get married again!
Husband:
I planted grizzly DNA under my fingernails so when I choke on doritos the medical examiners assume I was strangled by a bear but fought back
Doctor: how many times a week do you exercise
Me: does taking the stairs instead of the elevator count?
Doctor: sure
Me: okay, then *counting on fingers* never
[Half of my body is already in the anaconda]
“Is this a date? This feels like a date.”
Sometime in the night I think somebody replaced my skeleton with a different skeleton but I don’t know how to verify this.
AMBER: Can you put a candle in my husband’s burger?
WAITRESS: Aww, of course. Is it his birthday?
AMBER: No, I just want to see him eat a candle.
HER: Put down the bottle babe you have an alcohol problem.
ME: *spritzing doorknobs* I can stop any time I want.
Day 1 of quarantine: I’m going to take this as an opportunity to improve my health
Day 2 of quarantine: Due to personal reasons, I am eating a lasagna in my shower
Friend: What are you going to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: Probably a scene.
Therapist: What might you say to your husband next time you’re having this communication issue?
Me: I’m sorry your parents never taught you to use your big boy words but that is not my job so get it together
Therapist: No
WAITERS: alright, what are we thinking for starters?
ME: well, charmander is usually my go-to but squirtle is good as well
*This is my daughter’s favorite joke, she made it up herself*
4: why don’t dinosaurs take a bath?
M: why don’t they?
4: because they’re dead
Unreliable eye witness testimony is the reason chameleons are nature’s most elusive and successful serial killers.
me: i swear officer, i can even say the alphabet backwards
cop: not really relevant to this murder investigation but ok
You have a really old bottle of hair care product in your shower. You have a pre-existing conditioner.
Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”
it can’t have done Tiny Tim’s confidence much good, his parents calling him that