I don’t get why you have to call my wife *librarian ignores me while on phone* “your husband is here trying to check out a book about ramps”
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Saying you like a lot of meat in your taco is received differently on Twitter than it is on Facebook.
I know that now.
…sees you when you’re sleeping, knows when you’re awake, knows if you’ve been bad or good…
Me: Omg, this song is about my phone.
Sorry Siri, talking to machines is not for me. I still get tongue-tied at the drive-through.
I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards
parrots can literally talk, why is everyone so ok with it
Me: You’re NEVER supportive of my goals and accomplishments.
Police: Because you keep killing people
I love the Yakuza games. I wish Japan was real.
im not paying that much money for ppl to watch me kiss someone im sorry u must be out of ur mind. $15 take it or leave it
The kids are out of town, so I buy things from Ikea because I’m used to having my patience tested.
if we all just stop paying bills at the same time what they gon do
My son just called his mom an “interrupting chicken” so I’m real keen to see how this plays out
Hey, we never talked in high school!
Let’s be Facebook friends so we can once again never talk!
JUST LIKE OLD TIMES!
Got excited to check out the new place called Juicy Ladies and was very disappointed it was just a juice bar.
Boss: OMFG man what happened to ur eye?
[cut to me riding a horse into the garage door during medieval role play]
“I ran into a door”
You don’t really appreciate a Chinese Spy Balloon until it’s gone.
If you look in the mirror & say “pumpkin spice latte” 3x a white suburban girl will appear & tell you everything she loves about the fall
This is the coolest video you will see today.
“Mom, what does married mean?”
Taking naps together
“Daddy naps with his secretary are they married?”
No, that means he’s getting divorced
Me: I’ve completed a psychological profile on myself.
Brain: What have we learned?
Me: I need to stop talking to myself or wear a Bluetooth device on my walks.
Brain: Will this help to keep people from staring at you?
Me: Maybe wear clothes too.
Fun fact: When swimming upstream, salmon can jump up as high as 6 feet.
Unless its a white salmon.
The cool thing about Lady Doritos is if you toss them in a bag with male Doritos they make you an endless supply of delicious Baby Doritos.
that’s the thing with this thing, it’s very thingy
A dating app for people who self sabotage called Hinder.
[cow learning about humans drinking goat milk]
um hey you know those guys eat like tin cans and stuff right…
I know I couldn’t handle being in a position of power because when I’m the banker in Monopoly I steal money
reasons white people riot:
1. their sports team wins
2. their sports team loses
3. no more tickle me elmos
4. tea
5. pumpkins
When I’m in a bathroom stall, please don’t yell “Oh my God oh my God there’s a guy in here!” Respect my privacy.
[firing squad]
Captain: Any last words?
Prisoner: Why, yes. I’d like to speak with you for a moment about gun control.
Immortality would suck. I don’t want to spend the next 800 years trying to explain Gangnam Style to my great-grandfather.
I need a guy who’s cute charming smells good smells really good like cinnamon and sugar and flaky crust and actually I just need some pie