That’s not fat. It’s bonus content.
You Might Also Like
You can pretty much tell me anything is an anagram and I’ll believe it. I’m not about to rearrange a bunch of letters like some doctor
Everybody needs a special place they can escape to.
*drives to liquor store
me: thanks for letting me work from home
boss: *turns off shower* I meant your home
My Star Wars lingerie is still in the wash so for tonight’s role-play I’m probably just going to wear a matching undies & bra and rename them Star-Drawers and Bra Bra Jinks
the karate policy at this nursing home is bullshit
Hub said to go ahead and buy my own Valentine’s Day present.
Looks like he’s going to be very generous this year.
If you watch Titanic backwards it’s about a boy named Jack who leaves his underwater home, saves a rich lady, puts a sinking ship back together through sheer power of will and then becomes super poor and dirty
if you’re a 28 year old who has snorted ketamine in an art gallery bathroom, it seems that you are not, in fact, “baby.” a baby wouldn’t do that
Home is where the heart is, and hopefully it’s where all of the other vital organs reside too.
Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything
last night i was walking frankie and she started sniffing the air rly intently so i let her follow the trail cause i was like omg what if it’s a missing person?? we could save them!!! but no, it was a grilled cheese sandwich in a bush 😔
One of the fun things about being married is your spouse stops asking what you want from take out restaurants.
You get what you got last time.
Want something else? Too bad. You should have ordered it last time.
[Turning a carved Halloween pumpkin around so it’s now a Thanksgiving pumpkin] “haha suck it, Martha Stewart”
[slowly rises from trashcan while 2 friends are making plans without me]
i am also free that day.
I just made bacon for dessert, I’m not in the mood to be trifled with
Hear me, oh spirits of earth, wind, and fire. I call upon you to unleash a boogie wonderland.
If love didn’t hurt, it wouldn’t be called love…it would be called tacos.
if you become a ghost, don’t limit yourself to haunting houses. be the first to haunt a jellyfish exhibit! make a tulip your home and startle a bee. haunt a ball of yarn, get knit into a sweater. remember: it’s your soul that’s eternally damned, NOT your sense of style
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
Me: Do you think I’m fat?
Scale: Err
There’s nothing funnier than a grown man aggressively dancing at somebody.
ME: How do I get on that goth hot air balloon?
FRIEND: That’s a solar eclipse
7yr old: Mum, what happens if you eat lots of tinsel?
Me: probably emergency surgery to prevent obstruction somewhere in your digestive system.
7yr old: *blank face* *small voice* you get tinselitis.
Her eyes light up the room. They are lasers. Everyone is running.
Every woman’s deodorant is called Delicate Whisper and every man’s deodorant is called Beef Shazam!
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
Never know who you’ll run into at the gas station!
I’m just saying, who could afford murder hornets in THIS economy? 2020 had a backer, and I’d like to see some receipts, CHARMIN.
I went to the local art museum, I really enjoyed it and took lots of pictures.
But unfortunately I’m now banned until I bring them back.
My teen son complained that the house was too cold. I suggested that cleaning his room would warm him up. All of a sudden, he’s not cold.