You Might Also Like
Writing a horror book called “Chores you didn’t know existed and were supposed to be doing all along“
Me: So excited for the weekend!
Predatory alien in disguise: Same here! Sooo easy to catch, right
M: Huh
P: The weakened
M: What
P: What
My husband is looking for the remote control. I need everyone to stand up for a minute.
[to serial killer]
WAIT! If you kill me, you’ll never know how my erotic vampire fan fiction turns out!
*killing intensifies*
SUPERHERO: I alienate my loved ones to protect them from danger
ME: Me too, that’s also my reason
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: make math go away
GENIE: ha ok that one’s on the house
ME: oh so I still get three wishes?
GENIE: huh?
When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get
Single: Knows all the bars in a 10 mile radius.
Married: Knows all the restaurants in a 10 mile radius.
As a parent: Knows all the bouncy places in a 10 mile radius.
“I’ve invented the toaster”
SADISTIC CEO: What number toasts it perfectly?
“2”
SC: ok make it *cries with laughter* make it go up to 8
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
This green smoothie tastes like God wants me to be fat.
the buddha: *on twitter* how dreadful. the karmic damage from this will greatly prolong your suffering in the cycle of rebirth
me: a lot of people are saying that
Now that Halloween is over I would like to re-home my poltergeist.
Pros:
Ethically sourced
Fairly quiet
Keeps to itselfCons:
Leaves all cabinet doors open
Eats all the food
May not be a poltergeist and might just be a teenager.
Shakespeare: shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Me: sure
Shakespeare: okay. summer’s day > you
I can’t believe this dog and a whole family just died because of a forgotten comma
Captain: relax, it’s just a title
Second Mate: WHAT DOES HE MEAN TO YOU
it’s dangerous to go alone, take this
[Me flirting with a twenty something]
Him: When last did you get lit?
Me: This morning. It was really sunny so I was well illuminated.
My wife keeps telling me I need glasses
but I prefer to drink right out of the bottle
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, we’re still well below my average.
Papa john’s: order a pizza!
Mama john’s: we have pizza at home
Patient: I think my problem is imposter syndrome.
Me: [sweating] I assure you I’m a fully licensed psychologist. Or psychiatrist. Which is the one that prescribes meds?
I don’t do Botox anymore cause when I can’t make my angry face, people just assume it’s ok to talk to me.
I can literally trace the moment my career died back to when my boss said he was in back-to-back meetings and I said “isn’t face-to-face better”
if u die of a potassium induced stroke cuz you ate too much fruit, bitch that’s called a bananeurysm
[gets intuitive notification]
you know what, apple watch, I think I will finish that outdoor walk from 2011
I always say “Beep beep! Tough guy alert!” when I see a guy in a Tap Out shirt so he knows I know he’s a tough guy.
*yells up to treehouse*
me: what are you girls doin?
them: *yells back* chattin and braidin!
me: *climbing up* WAIT ARE THOSE BOY’S NAMES, I DON’T KNOW ANYMORE
genie: please no
millipede: more legs
Just know that if I pretend my hand is a gun and I start playing Russian roulette I’m not really listening anymore.