[my first day in a drug cartel]
kingpin: where’s the coke
me: is pepsi ok? hehe
[later]
police: this is the most bullet holes we’ve ever seen in a single body
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There’s an expiration date on this bottle of Bailey’s lmao
A dog needs to be the next president.
“A dog can’t-”
When has a dog ever raised taxes or started a war?
“I’ll start the paperwork.”
Thanks a lot bathroom doors with the gender written in weird symbols. I just want to pee, not solve a sudoku puzzle.
I apply an inordinate amount of baby oil for someone who is not a bodybuilder.
[childbirth]
me: are you ok?
wife: IT’S AGONY!
me: I THOUGHT WE DECIDED ON TIFFANY
[food naming committee]
… Ok. Cow?
– Beef
Ground up?
– Burger
Great. Pig?
– Pork
Baked & sliced?
– Ham
Super! Deer?
– Venison
Fish?
– Fish
Take it easy, Officer. You act like you’ve never seen a woman with a car full of penguins before.
Listen if we’re still single in 10 years do you wanna get hitched?
My cat:…
There’s something mentally wrong with people who ask other parents if their baby isn’t the cutest baby they’ve ever seen
embarrassed bc i’m walking down the sidewalk and a rat is just like walking next to@me and it looks like we’re together
Candy corn is the rare candy that’s worse than than the vegetable it’s based on.
I run from my car all the way to the front door of McDonald’s because fitness is a lifestyle
I haven’t cried since 1997, when I saw the movie Armageddon and realised Ben Affleck was going to be a big movie star.
ME: My name is Nigel and I’m an alcoholic.
AA GROUP: Hi Nigel.*cut to confessional camera*
ME: I’m here to WIN, not to make friends.
* Open bottle of wine*
*Takes a sip*
He loves me
*Takes another*
He loves me not…
“i can’t go because of coronavirus”
– whiny
– boring
– weak“i’ve sworn an oath of solitude til the blight is purged from these lands”
– heroic, valiant
– they will assume you have a sword
– impossible to check if you really have a sword because of coronavirus
the ideal man is always thinking of several cool things at once (throwing a football really far, a truck with big wheels, giving a lot of high fives)
My 2yo likes to “play bedroom” where she has me go lie down on my bed and then she closes the bedroom door and runs away. Actually one of the better games she’s come up with.
Her : Let me see your big stuff baby.
Me: *sends a pic of my bills*
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who just watched someone else push the elevator button
We need more names like Benedict Cumberbatch:
Omelet Easydozen
Florentine Pepperbatter
Billy where is your homework? “im sorry Ms. Klein my dog- *sees dog in the window make a throat cutting motion* -gone cat ate it”
I have 2 moods:
NAMASTE
&
NAMASTAB
[noir detective voice] I knew she was a ghost the second she walked through my door
Him [angrily]: You borrowed my car and it’s a mess. McDonald’s wrappers, fries on the floor…
Me: Let me stop you right there, because first of all, I never TOUCH McDonald’s. It’s Wendy’s.
Kevin didn’t know how much longer he could fake laugh at Linda’s dumb jokes, but he did know he didn’t want to be glue.
One time in LA I heard a girl tell her friend she made out in an Uber on a date then asked her friend “What’s the farthest you’ve ever gone in an Uber?” and her friend replied “Burbank.” and I’m convinced even Mel Brooks couldn’t have written a better setup and punchline.
The eighties were great except for all the spinning right ‘round like a record.
Him: I’m an English teacher
Me: Oh yeah? Recite all the Englishes
One thing they teach in nursing school is when your patient is being questioned by police, to step in with “that’s enough for today, he needs to rest” right after he gives a key piece of information, but one sentence short of him telling the whole story.