I’m not sure if this snake is trying to ask me a question or if he’s just eaten a candy cane.
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I haven’t been jogging since I tripped and broke my ego in several places.
My problem with McDonalds is I can’t go retrieve my kids in the play tubes because I can’t fit in the play tubes because I eat at McDonalds.
Me: let’s go vegetarian
Husband: can we still eat eggs
M: of course
H: fish?
M: obviously
H: bacon on special occas-
M: we’d be crazy not to
I love when murder documentaries let me know that the scene they’re showing is a ‘dramatic reenactment’, like I thought a professional camera crew filmed John Wayne Gacy eating breakfast with his wife the morning after he buried a corpse under his floorboards.
I was asking Alexa to play music, but she wasn’t listening. I stomped my way over so I could scold her when I realized Roomba had unplugged her. That chaotic little shit. Always starting fights with his siblings.
There was a time you couldn’t drive a computer if you didn’t have a driving license…
My neighbor cut their tree down and now my house looks bald.
(Show and Tell)
TEACHER: What do you have to show today?
ME: My pet.
TEACHER: Let’s see it then.
ME: Okay! *opens window* CTHULHU!
*the earth begins to shake*
[ant colony]
husband: I am beat
wife: you’re the one who wanted to be in construction. I should’ve married a doctor
husband: yeah but *flexing* can a doctor lift 5,000 times his body weight?
wife: WE ALL CAN, GARY
Bruce Banner with his hand stuck in a Pringles can, getting more and more frustrated
Take your ex out tonight (one bullet oughtta do it)
Wife: “Oh Honey, what would you do without me?”
Me: “realistically or in my fantasies?”
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene routine are really unnecessary.
Useful information: don’t turn around if a woman throws a shoe at your back. Because more than likely the other one is in mid flight.
i’m in bed naked with my two favourite men on earth, ben and jerry.
The mice in my apartment left me a note that said as long as I keep buying store brand graham crackers, there’s no need for traps.
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Yes
Magician: And this?
Me: Yup
Magician: How about this one?
Me: Please just put the gun down, you can take the whole wallet
Edison stole the idea for the lightbulb from the lightbulb that appeared above his head when he got the idea for the phonograph
deleting dating apps because i want to meet someone the old fashioned way (riding an unsinkable luxury ship right into an iceberg)
Remember, don’t stoop to their level. If someone is murdering you, tell them their knife is cool and they’re good at stabbing. Be nice
ME: *gets slapped in the face by a small reptile*
“And that’s for being a jerk to your wife!”
~ Karma Chameleon
The kitchen trash will be overflowing and my kids will keep stacking garbage on top like they’re playing Jenga.
[boarding plane]
ME: Shotgun!
COPILOT: Can he do that?
PILOT: Looks like you’re in economy today, Ted.
COPILOT: *clenching fists* Damnit.
if you’re not easily offended, why are you even here?
No thanks, $30 haunted house. I can watch the news and get scared any time for free.
Apparently, starting an impromptu game of leap frog with somebody bending over to tie their shoe is considered rude.
Church is boring.
[neighborhood meeting]
Me: This is an outrage!
Neighbor: Exactly! The city’s plan to–
Me: Nothing but powdered creamer for the coffee? I’m out of here.
I forgot the word for English so I asked the cab driver if he speaks the common tongue
walked into a screen door after seeing a bird fly into a glass window, this probably means something, probably something stupid