[doc pulls baby out of mom and immediately slides it under his shirt] oh no NOW I’M PREGNANT haha no [pulls it out] just kidding here you go
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He was a sperm,
she was an egg
can i make it anymore ovulous
10 just said the 6 words every parent dreads hearing:
‘I need to practice my recorder’
My Dog: *quiet, with his ears folded like little fortune cookies*
Me: WHAT DID YOU DO
Saint Waddle is the patron saint of pancakes and ducks. She loved to flip the bird.
officer: give me your name
me: then what am I going to use?
Ketchup isn’t food.
-words to ruin a toddlers day
DAUGHTER: Mom asked me to check on you and the eggnog making
ME [wrestling a screaming chicken into a blender full of milk]: GRAB ITS LEGS
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
[date]
HER: it’s getting late
ME: [shouting through my garfield mask] IT’S BARELY 8:15
I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
Nike actually called me and asked me to stop doing it.
Me: Jimi Hendrix?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Beatles?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Doors?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Justin Bieber?
Daughter: Hate him.
Me: Thank God.
Everyone on Instagram has pics of them at places all over the world & I’m like here’s another shot of me from a different angle on my sofa
You should see the confused look on the produce clerk’s face when I ask where I can find kale and then walk in the opposite direction that they’re pointing to.
President, first day on the job: *pushing a button* Janet can you-
[two nuclear missiles launch towards Moscow]
That wasn’t the intercom.
*hands out free hug coupons in the mosh pit*
Imagine if food was sports
No time to talk I have bacon tryouts today.
who called it a dinosaur rap battle instead of a reptile diss function
‘Nuts and bolts’ would be a good name for a diary of one night stands.
” I made my famous dip for the office party”
You’re a regular Abe Lincoln.
“But he wasn’t a chef”
Exactly
11yo ceremoniously hands me a handmade birthday card she spent hours on.
13yo just as pleased with himself hands me the card he gave me already on mother’s day
my wife’s friend is so pissed i made fun of his lazy eye he’s having a hard time even looking at me
Since getting the new iPhone with fingerprint unlock technology I’ve never worried so much about losing my thumb.
If peeing was an Olympic event, I would win gold. But then I would miss the awards ceremony because I was taking a leak.
[friend being eaten by a bear]
*screaming violently*
Me: Stay calm! Don’t move so much! I’m trying to take a picture for snapchat!
me: i hope i die suddenly and without warning
friend: agreed when i’m old i hope it’s abrupt and not drawn out
me: old?
My children wanted to play airplane rides and are very upset because I told them my flight is fully booked
if i finally fell asleep and a ghost woke me up to show me my past, i’d kill them again