Overhead an older lady telling her friend that she has “no faith in St. Martin” and I think more saints should be subject to user reviews
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I never got why people liked sitting home without pants so much until I was without a job for a week. Now I don’t get why people have jobs.
Priest: *blesses me*
Me: *drinks wine*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing mustache)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing wig)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: WHAAAAAAZZZZZZZZUUUP
Priest: …
I had a dream where I thought I had rats in my bed but it turned out to be a passel of wiener dogs. If my subconscious mind were a person, I’d want it in jail.
The downfall of society can be traced to when they stopped counting ketchup as a vegetable in school lunches.
Whatever, Batman. You may call it the Batcave, but that doesn’t change the fact you still live in your parents’ basement.
eyes: what’s that
me with eye drops: nothing.
Writing, She Murdered.
Crawling into a nice warm barrel of toxic waste and dissolving sounds so appealing…but is it worth the risk of developing super powers or some extra shit like that? So tired.
Me: I’d kill for your body.
Female trainer: Actually, with consistent exercise and clean eating…
Me: No that sounds hard I’d rather do murder
Matt Lauer lost his job.
Charlie Rose lost his job.
Mark Halperin lost his job.
Glenn Thrush lost his job.
Billy Bush lost his job.
Harvey Weinstein lost his job.
Kevin Spacey lost his job.
But in politics…
Conyers still in Congress.
Moore still running.
Trump still President.
Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.
Sequel to Cats (2019) called 2 Cats 2 Curious
Can’t afford a cat? Duct tape 3 squirrels together, next question
People are lot less judgey when you say you ate an ‘avocado salad’ instead of a bowl of guacamole
HOT older men in YOUR area want to know if YOU have been playing with the THERMOSTAT?
Can’t. Busy getting sized up for a sister wife by the dude at tractor supply.
It was taking a really long time for the salt shaker to fill up and then I remembered that I’m high.
I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.
If you don’t have any friends who have covid right now you’re blessed or you probably don’t have friends
COMPUTER: HINT: name of best friend
ME: Jen
C: Jen sounds nice
M: Wh-what?
C: Is Jen single?
M: Uh…
C: Answer the question. Is Jen single?
wife [on Facebook] Spent the day with the kids. We had so much fun!
wife [to me] Do you know what those little shits did to me today?
Priest: Don’t chew gum in church.
Me: If I don’t, I’ll have bad breath when I talk to God.
Priest:
Me: It’s your fault if I go to hell.
Hear me out.. fashion bibs for adult messy eaters, like me
Thinking about the time we told our 5 yo we were moving and he said he was gonna miss us.
Bartender – Would you like to try our pumpkin beer?
Me – Can I have a different bartender please?
Never underestimate what a woman will do for love.
My 4yo knows I’m hard to wake in the night
Unfortunately he also knows using his stuffed toy to wack me in the face a few times does the trick
The Proclaimers: Walk 500 miles. Then walk 500 more.
Me: Gets winded walking from the couch to the kitchen.
Fake nerd girl: I love Star Wars! I’m a big fan!
True fan: Oh yeah? Harass five cast members. I’ll wait
If it wasn’t for my coworkers who arrive to work after me I would never know it’s been raining for 7 days.