I didn’t use toothpaste when I was young and naive, because I didn’t want my teeth sticking together. As a much wiser adult, I still don’t want my teeth sticking together.
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My neighbor has brought me an iced coffee two days in a row. Weird way to propose but ok
“I bring you news from the front, m’lord. Food bowls are empty, litter boxes are full, and the natives are getting restless.”
King: Good Knight, how fared thy journey?
Knight: ‘Twas long and hard
King: ‘Tis what she proclaimed.
Both: *fist bump*-Medieval Brahs
“Lady In Red” is my favorite song about a guy that’s trying to get laid even though he can’t remember her goddamn name.
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
If I groomed really well, lost some weight, got my teeth fixed and learned how to use Photoshop I could easily be a five
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people who proofread their Tweets, and the rest of us.
cute girl 1: i’m a vegetarian
cute girl 2: i’m a vegan
me (trying to impress): i’m a vegetable
People keep wishing January was over like the worst month of the year isn’t coming up next. Thats like wishing someone would stop arguing with you and just punch you in the face.
Wife: Hi, did you eat?
Me: Did you eat?
Wife: Are you copying me?
Me: Are you copying me?
Wife: I love you!
Me: Yes, I already ate
The deep ocean is so mysterious. Sharks and octopuses could be down there having dance battles and we’d never know. We’d never know.
“Hi, I’m calling for info on your bicycle on Craigslist.”
It’s heavy, brown, has new shoes, and loves carrots. It’s definitely not a horse.
I introduced my kids to the “magical snap of sleep”, when I snap my fingers the person in bed falls instantly asleep, it worked beautifully on my husband but the kids are still awake
Doctor: [puts my arm in a sling]
Me: wait—
Doctor: [fires my arm out the window]
Me: wtf
Doctor: [shouting out the window] next time it’s a leg STAY OUT OF MY PARKING SPACE
My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: the one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.
Imagine your card gets declined at Hogwarts and you have to go to public wizarding school
I’m really good at compromising as long as I get my way.
[looking at flocks of squawking crows]
We have to stop these senseless murders
Bow Wow’s full name is actually Boward Woward
Alien: We’ve returned, show us what you built with our technology
Egyptians: …
Aliens: …
Egyptians: ok don’t be mad
Chuck Norris once gave an uppercut to a horse!
Now we have Giraffes.
Shouting “Shotgun” will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.
“Your guess is as good as mine”, I lie, knowing that my guesses will always be superior.
[6 months after breaking up]
Me: AND ANOTHER THING,
Pigeon: the distance a pig travels in one eon
I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.
I think most “Emergeny Exit Only – Alarm Will Sound” doors are bluffing, but I’m too much of a coward to find out.
You’re telling me that not one of The Peanuts ever when into anaphylactic shock?
Interviewer: What can you bring to the Lego creative team?
God: I’m God. I’ve created a lot of things.
Angel: *whispers* Show him the platypus.