Customer care: Your call is important to us, please hold on.
Customer: *completes graduation* *gets a job* *gets married* *gets old* *dies*
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You can buy live bees. You can have them delivered anywhere you want. It’s like $6. The internet doesn’t make behaving very easy.
Turn up? At my age, I’m just happy when I can turn over.
“Everything hurts and I’m always exhausted.”
WebMD: Parenthood
MY BODY: You should exercise
ME: That sounds good
MY BODY: Because it’s heathy
ME: Yeah!
MY BODY: And makes you feel good
ME: Definitely!
MY BODY: Let’s go exercise!
ME: I’m lost
Guys! I just heard when women ask “Does this make me look fat?” they know we’ll say no. What they are really testing is HOW FAST WE SAY IT!
What I try to explain you, is that I do know you have very good big cups in this nice coffee shop, but I’m emotionally attached to this bucket, could you fill it up with your excellent coffee, please
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
OKAY DAD
If by “living off the grid” you mean never giving retailers my correct email, then yeah, that’s totally me.
Next time you yawn in front of me i’m gonna chuck a peanut m&m down your throat.
me: you think i’m too obsessed with gardening?
friend: yeah we’re starting to grow concerned.
me: ooh how often do you water that.
blocked.
Whatever you say to someone, do it while slowly landscaping a tiny zen garden to really bring it home.
I don’t need feimsm i like my men to be REAL MEN! the worst day of my life was when i realised i had mistakenly married a big bag of oranges
Googles “what happens if you accidentally eat raw cookie dough”
[5 minutes later]
“twice”
My bank just sent me an email starting with “we’re all in this together” and then told me my monthly fees are going up
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
[at olive garden]
waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be
me: olives
waiter: ok
Me: hey, I’m looking for an email.
iPhone mail: this one from 2012, unrelated to your search?
Me: no it was last week
iPhone: can’t find it.
The rose scented hand sanitizer I got from Bath & Body Works reminds me of a funeral home so I just kinda go with it and think of the dead germs.
You fools! Whether or not
Die Hard is a Christmas movie doesn’t really matter. The tradition of arguing over it is what counts. 🎄🎅🏻🌃
[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury
I listen to your prayers, but only to correct their grammar.
*wife leaves message on fridge w/ magnets*
WE ARET HROUGH
maybe it’s an anagram *rearranges*
ROUGH WEATHER
whoa better pack an umbrella
Texted daughter “I’m going to take a nap” and autocorrect changed it to “come inside and scream like a banshee.”
mumsnet is amazing
Watching horror movies has convinced me that answering a phone never ends well for anyone.
[walking around still disappointed 6 hours after visiting an aquarium]
wife: what did you think a tiger shark was, brent
Sorry I rubbed your belly for good luck, wealth and prosperity.
If you’re wondering how much I hate confrontation, I just apologized to the microwave when it had to beep a third time to remind me my food was done.