My 8yr just said we go together like biscuits and cream cheese. And I can’t tell if that’s a compliment or contradiction
You Might Also Like
that’s the thing with this thing, it’s very thingy
Her: *seductively raises knee and rests foot on car to expose a lovely thigh
Me: That’s gonna leave a shoe print, get your foot off there.
There is a football player named Drew Sample?
He missed his true calling of phlebotomy.
*in the restaurant, i watch a baby cry for ten minutes until i walk over, put my hands on the parent’s shoulders & whisper*
does your baby have jury duty tomorrow, too?
Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.
I’m just saying, the ratio of people who say they “make their own sauce” doesn’t correlate with the amount of sauce available in stores
Waiter: “I’m afraid your credit card has been declined.”
Me: “Try this one.”
W: “This is a blood donor card.”
M: “Take as much as you need.”
Me: OMG I love this song
Radio: should I play it again
Me: okay
Radio: fifteen times
Me: wait
Radio: every hour
Me: no
Radio: for the next six months
*at the pet shop*
Me: Can I buy a goldfish?
Seller: Do you want an aquarium?
Me: I don’t care what star sign it is.
“Crunchy” peanut butter is just peanut butter that gave up in the process.
Don’t be like crunchy peanut butter.
*Geography Bee*
Judge: “Tell me about Yemen.”
Me: “Chandler said he was moving there when he couldn’t breakup with Janice on Friends.”
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
boy: i hate being poor
grandpa: were going to fun factory
mr chocolate: hello naughty children its murder time
Doctor: How your diet?
Me: My what now?
Be nice to your family. They get to pick the picture that will be in your obituary.
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Tweeting.
Him: Gah. Such a colossal waste of time.
Me: *stare*
Him: *goes back to playing Candy Crush*
3am
Me: *wakes up for no reason*
Anxiety and Insomnia: *fighting*
Bladder: We should pee.
Stomach: PEANUT BUTTER!
Santa: he works one day a year and spends the rest of it judging you.
Me: it’s too expensive, I no longer enjoy it, I want to unsubscribe
Therapist: I’m afraid adulthood is permanent
Karate Kid (1984) Two grown adults enlist minors to fight a martial arts proxy war.
‘It’s finally happened,’ I say as my handwriting deteriorates to the point where I can’t read it. ‘I’ve become a doctor.’
It’s a sad day when you find out there’s a hot person behind a cartoon avi.
If you put Mattel dolls in a line they become a Barbie queue.
Me: what’s the deal with airplane food
Baby: I don’t know it just tastes better when you make that noise
Gluten-free, low salt, no sugar all-natural whole grain bread?
The only thing “natural” about this product is the urge to get away from it.
[puts cone of shame on dog]
ME: (to dog) sory buddy
DOG: (to all other dogs in neighborhod) BOW DOWN TO LORD FLOFFYTON HEARER OF ALL BARKS
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
haha of course i know how to pronounce marchioness of cholmondeley but you go first
Making core memories with my son by faking heart attacks in McDonald’s as a distraction while he steals mobile orders.
When I say, “No problem,” I mean, “YOU REMEMBER THIS FAVOR FOREVER.”