I miss the days when my work wife and my wife wife were different people.
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Ugh I hate living next to an art school I dragged an old couch outside and a bunch of dudes came over and they’re just taking pictures of it
Me, a hamster who is watching my figure, holding my babies:
“Omg someone please take these away from me before I eat all of them!!!!”
*Googles “exercise apps for lazy people”*
*Downloads five apps*
That should do it for today.
Kids: Always remember to brush your drugs and don’t do teeth.
Steve Austin: nice to meet you
Medusa: the pleasure is mine
Stone Cold Steve Austin:
HISTORIAN: So the important thing to remember is Ted Bundy was a horrific serial killer.
PRODUCER: Right. Also incredibly hot.
HISTORIAN: Really, just, try to focus on how he was a homicidal monster.
PRODUCER: Yeah, total smoke show, we’re on the same page.
“I can’t wait to nail you later”
*whispers to the new picture I just bought*
“Just skip to the part where he pushes stuff off the counter!”
hot singles are in your area, merging together into a plurality, a hot leviathan. the time for chat is over. this is not your area anymore
*walks up to Harvard with an avocado* one law degree please
Why is it always “I see you drank all the beer today!” instead of, “Oh, honey, that was so sweet of you to help clean out the refrigerator.”
Her ankles were strong & sturdy, keeping her feet attached to her legs at all times. She had the eyebrows of a livid mechanic.
this can’t be the same pay my coworkers are raising 3 kids with 🥲
[day 8 of quarantine]
me: *hiding under the bed* too much family time
monster under the bed: lmao, why do u think im here
me:
monster under my mom’s bed: sweetie where’d you go? we’re gonna play monopoly again
monster under the bed: please don’t tell her im here
Sprayed a spider with some Davidoff Cool Water & it didn’t die. Now I’m just stuck with a spider that I wanna bang.
approaching the 7-year anniversary of putting my stem cells in my dad’s bones and growing my bone marrow there thus killing his cancer and giving me years of “he’s a lesbian in his bones” jokes
Was at the park with the baby, and another parent pointed to a kid doing cartwheels and said, “Remember when we could do that at that age?”
Lady, I was icing my knees after recess when I was 7.
Me: *plays video games to avoid my problems*
Me in game: *puts off main quest to avoid my characters problems*
4 drew a picture of a unicorn and asked if I’d stick it on the fridge and I said no because unicorns don’t like cold places but really it’s because the drawing was shit
The next time I lose my car I’m just going to let it find its own way home.
The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!
…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.
Kid: I love you so much!
Me: Aww, baby, I love you too.
Kid: No mom, the dog. I love the dog so much.
Me: Yeah, I love the dog more than you too.
[Afterlife]
Bird 1: All he had was one rock.
Bird 2: His aim was perfection.
them: PTSD
my brain: Pacific Time Standard Disorder
People say I’m half naked when I’m 12% dressed because they’re bad at math
It costs nothing to be kind. But then again, it costs nothing to be a sociopath. So you see my dilemma.
The best way to avoid awkward moments with homeless people is to ask them for money before they ask you.
Yesterday I watched a clip about a 71-year-old female body builder.
Today I used my pants as a napkin because the couch was too far from the kitchen.
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Morningbreath
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