[Wedding day]
Bride: *coming down the aisle* WTF? You’re wearing the same dress as me!?!?
Me: Well THIS is awkward
Priest: *in same dress* Ok. One of us has to change
You Might Also Like
The strongest muscle in the human body is the tongue. Keep that in mind next time you find yourself in a scuffle.
Me: I wish I never had to go outside
Me after listening to 10 minutes of NPR: I bet I could milk a goat, for I am so knowledgeable in such things
Some of you never rooted for Godzilla and it shows.
You hang up
“No, you hang up”
You hang up first!
– Bats going to bed
getting a cast iron skillet so i can still not do my dishes, but now people will think i’m classy
The hardest part about Halloween dinner is the buttering of the candy corn.
Officer: “didn’t you know that sleeping in your car on the side of the road is illegal ?”
Me: “yes I did officer. But this isn’t my car”
I bet you 5390.24$ you can’t guess how much money I owe my parents.
i was once in a long-distance relationship and she called me one day crying and admitted she’d cheated on me, and i should have broken it off then but i was young and smitten so i said “it’s ok, i forgive you, just promise you won’t do it again” and she said “no”
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Talked to someone today about remaining human when society crumbles. Was told to “please pull up to the window.”
There’s an alternate universe where we are together and finally happy.
And I probably forgot to take out the trash there, too.
MOM ITS NOT A DOLLHOUSE IM PRETENDING TO BE A GIANTE THATS TERRORIZING A FAMILY GOSH *waits for mom to leave* and im makig them have tea
5: Daddy, can we go get ice cream?
Me: I don’t see why not.
5: Mommy said I couldn’t.
M: Hey, there’s the why not.
Having your stuff stolen is the heist form of flattery
My wife finished her shampoo and conditioner at the same time and now I’m worried I married a witch
“Why am I not asleep?” he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.
*crawls up from backseat*
*slowly pulls off paper bag from head*
What? No… I’m not embarrassed by your driving
Me: I have NO drafts!
Wife: *opens window*
Me: …
Wife: *opens door*
Me: …
Wife: That better?
Me: I should have married your sister.
I don’t think Nyquil knows what cherries taste like!
It’s hard to overstate the pressure and anxiety I feel when a stray ball comes onto the sidelines at my feet and the Pee-Wee coach and all the six-year olds look at me as if to say “surely you, a grown man, can accurately kick that ball back to the ref while everyone watches.”
[last supper]
judas: this could’ve been an email
After a great late-night cup of coffee, my wife posted on Facebook, “Satisfied!”
I woke up to a barrage of congratulatory messages.
Hey everyone, I’m ABSOLUTELY obsessed with this new web series I’ve been marathoning where I non-stop refresh a worldwide coronavirus counter
Waiter: entrée?
Me: I don’t mind what you bring it on
Pet Store Cashier: “Would you like a bag?”
Me: “Yes, I’d like a bag for my bag of birdseed.”
GET OVER HERE thunders across the bar as a harpooned rope impales a beautiful girl. The bartender smiles and shakes his head at Scorpion.
I found the worst tweet ever made. It appeared right after I clicked send
If she’s got matching bra and panties on you know what that means… it means both were clean at the same time simmer down
Me: omg that’s the saddest hostage video ever
Them: they were singing happy birthday to me
I have accidentally eaten the lil paper flag on the Hershey’s kiss more times than I’m comfortable with this holiday season