A guy gets hit on the head by a falling soda can. But he’s allright.
Guess he was lucky
*puts on sunglasses*
It was a soft drink
#FFFC
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two guys fighting over oars are just having a row it took me 3 hours to write this crap send tweet
Bruce Willis is being chased by a pug. he jumps in a taxi and escapes. he breathes a sigh of relief. the driver turns around. it’s the pug
Cops: put your hands where we can see them
Invisible man:
Much like a fairy tale princess I will sit here and wither away until some man somewhere is brave enough to bring me soup.
(First date)
Just act like he’s not here.
Date: …
Husband: …
Do you think swordfish are down there just jousting each other with their face all day or what
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.
If you’re having a bad day, just know that my 9 year older nephew announced to a room full of friends and family that he saw his parents doing “naked yoga.”
These baby cardinals are thugs. They muscle all the other birds away from the feeder. I saw one put out a cigarette in a blue jay’s eye.
[Family game night]
Grandma: what are the rules?
Me: omg for the last time, we spin the chamber and take turns shooting ourselves in the head
playboy: “apparently they just read it for the articles” [takes out all nude women]
every man on earth: “well this has back-fired massively”
We skipped the hour where I was supposed to exercise. Oh well, Maybe next year.
god: i need you to get me some teeth
fairy: what
god: from children
fairy: WHAT
god: ok fine pay them
*first date*
Brain: Quick say something intresting
Me: Lasagna is spaghetti flavored cake
Brain: Nice
If you liked “These Boots Are Made for Walkin” youll enjoy other hits like “This Toaster Toasts Things” and “Whats the Phone Number for 911”
mom: I don’t like Alexa, why can’t people turn off their own lights
also my mom: good night 👏🏼👏🏼
[lights go out]
My neighbor asked how I keep my grass looking so good
I told him to have a seat, it’s kind of a lawn story
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
Doc I keep throwing up
Did u eat anything odd lately
No
What about that bottle youre holding labelled “lizard juice”
You said eat, idiot
Burn microwave popcorn in the lunch room to establish dominance.
Me: why can’t I lose weight?
Also me: only leaves the house for events involving cake
Me: You say all the right things.
Her: I didn’t say anything.
Me: Shhh Don’t ruin this for me.
“Jesus Christ, Roger… What the hell are you doing with your life?”
Starting a skydiving school called Active Chuters
Just caught my cat stealing my bank card off the table and now I regret telling him all my pin numbers ‘just in case’
Artist: I wonder why my back hurts all the time
Artist while drawing:
I’ve just checked and there’s no mention about sexting in the 10 commandments so we’re good to go.
I wish I could veto my bills.
Probably the worst part about being a penguin is after you’re in an argument, you’ll try to waddle away angrily but still look adorably cute
What I say and what I mean are three different things.