[bakery]
Robber: Give me all of your bread
Baker: *starts emptying the register*
Robber: Oh yeah, good idea, give me all your money too
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My kid spent a long time washing kinetic sand off his hands, so now he’s clean, but the bathroom looks like it went to a rave on a beach
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
I finally figured out what flies and mosquitoes are for. They’re gods way of making us slap ourselves.
Dear guy lighting bottle rocket fuses with a cigarette that’s still in your mouth,
You’re going as a pirate for Halloween.
Psychologists say that sleeping naked can help boost a person’s confidence, but nobody in this bus seems to appreciate it.
Just removed my bra, whipped it around my head, and tried to toss it away, but a hook got caught in my hair. Available for bachelor parties.
Me: Why doesn’t he love me?
Nachos: Eat more of me and find out!
Me: *Chewing* So?
Nachos: We need outside counsel. Send pizza down here.
Me: my wife says I catastrophize everything
Therapist: *chuckling* how is she doing?
Me: I don’t know she hasn’t returned my texts for over five minutes I think she’s dead
[group therapy]
“I always feel unnoticed”
NINJA: I hear ya
CHAMELEON: Same
GUY WITH CAMOUFLAGE PANTS: It’s like we’re all soulmates
Sad to think that the Grandma from the Nutty Professor is probably dead by now.
“Can I speak to your manager please?”
“I AM the manager”
Number of times my dog has puked on:
the tile floor: 0
the carpet: 3,290
My husband would need to live to be 200 to finish all the things he said he “was GOING to do”
[at a football game]
my kid: can i get a giant foam finger
me: no
my kid: why not
me: because you already ate three of them at halftime
She looks at me with those come hither eyes & I’m over here frantically flipping thru a dictionary trying to figure out what “hither” means.
*My dentist, looking at a pork chop dangling from a string*
“You should floss more”
I’m inventing a new holiday where you take back one gift you previously gave someone.
[Star Trek: The Next Generation)
Picard: Why are they firing at us?
Troi [an empath]: I sense hostility.
Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C ?
Because you can’t C in the dark.
Special shout out to the CIA, who were pouring cold water on people BEFORE the “ice bucket challenge” made it cool
Home Depot law decrees that if two dads are pushing carts down the same isle, the dad with the greater mustache has the right of way.
Assert dominance by throwing your poop at a monkey first.
Actual air attendant:
“Secure your mask before helping your kids.if you have multiple, pick the one with the highest earning potential 1st”
[as i lay on the couch doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day]
me: *looks at my cat doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day* oh to be a cat. eating and sleeping all day
The Bible Belt – the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.
Pinky toes do two things: nothing and break.
One of my dogs was puking, i got up to deal with it and the other dog stole part of my dinner. This was not random. This was a planned event.
I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.
It’s adorable when I bring workout clothes on a trip to Miami like I’m not just going to eat, drink, and sleep.
Guy jogging pushing stroller for two kids. But only one there. Don’t think he knows he lost one.