If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she’s practising for her next selfie
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I took my kids’ screens away so we could spend some quality time together and it turns out they are really terrible to be around
Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.
Someone was bragging on Facebook last night about managing to get into a store *after* official closing time to finish some Christmas shopping, and called it a “Christmas miracle,” and idk what the exact criteria is for getting visited by three ghosts on Christmas Eve but
Me: I think I’m gonna do a live scream tonight
Her, about to regret asking this question: don’t you mean live strea-
Me: *inhales*
I never related to movies as a kid. Like in Home Alone when Kevin says to his Mother “I am upstairs you dummy” I couldn’t understand how he was still alive after that.
8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.
im writing this yelp review on behalf of my brother. im sure he would have agreed that kenneth is one of the worst parachute instructors we’ve seen. furthermore..
My husband started exercising and now I have to start exercising out of spite.
Why are we all Facebook friends with an English teacher we had in high school
ME: Doc, it hurts, did anything break
DOCTOR: Your hip
ME: Well, yeah, Daddy-O, but did anything break
“I’m a night owl”
all owls are night owls. you are a regular owl.
All of the good tweets are either married or gay.
I dropped a whole bowl of Munchie Mix on the floor in case you’re wondering where the dogs got their newfound appreciation for my athletic prowess.
Daycare sent me a pic of my 4yr old daughter holding hands with a boy..
with interlocked fingers..INTERLOCKED FINGERS?
send bail money!
WIFE: How do you feel about Hawaiian pizza?
ME, sipping my pineapple spice latte: I think you know
My boss has stopped letting me leave early for my son’s Little League games ever since he learned he’s in his second year of college.
“Dave, come check this out! The squirrel in that tree hasn’t moved in like three hours. It’s freakin’ weird.”
Slack jaw. Vacant eyes. All symptoms of someone listening to me talk.
If a shark attacks you, punch him in the nose. And if that doesn’t work, use your severed arm to tickle his belly.
Every zoo is a petting zoo if you can run fast enough.
date: So what do you do?
me: *pulls out stuffed fox* I’m a taxidermist
date: Oh wow
fox: and a ventriloquist
doctor: you have a brain disorder that causes you to give the most ridiculous responses to serious news
wife: [crying]
me: that’s a spicy meatball
Friends don’t let friends drive drunk but I don’t want them staying at my house
And that’s why Uber was created
Missing area man described as boringly conventional, was easily found by multiplying height x width.
You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.
relax, they say, as if that’s even a real thing
I was wondering what was poking my stomach and it was a potato chip I had with my lunch that fell down my shirt. Damn we even took a nap together.
What…what happens if the crabs learn how to read???
Women can detect even the smallest of lies, but on TV they tell them they can lose 20 pounds in 5 days and they believe it all.
Come and get your love.
I don’t deliver. Take out only.