[2045]
The national language is Yeet. Your daughter’s fiancé is a YouTuber whose legal name is Landon FTW.
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[1st date]
Him: Do you like magic?
Her: I LOVE MAGIC
Him: klatu barada nikto!
[Woman’s dead grandpa emerges from the ground]Her: *Screams*
Him: Oh, so you meant you like illusions.
*narrows eyes* that sounds like something a crocodile would say
Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.
It’s not illegal to tell a ghost story when a cop shines a flashlight in your face
Plastic silverware: because the only thing I hate more than poisoning the environment is washing dishes.
*makes breakfast for two
*eats both of them
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
Hot singles in your area are eating chili.
“No one told me we were picking weapons today. What’s left?”
– Donatello
I have the financial security of a much, much younger man
So silly when you lose the cursor and also any sense of rationality so you just begin frantically shaking the mouse like a cop trying to force a suspect to reveal where they’re hiding it.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Whatcha dooooin’?
911: Sir, are you in danger?
Me: *giggles* You’re always so worried, but I’m fine, silly
I was definitely that mouthy preteen girl that told my dad’s girlfriend she’s just a girlfriend for NOW, while I’ll always be his daughter.
well, guess what, Brianne?
Happy 25th anniversary
Tell Dad I said hi
My greatest fear is waking up after being buried alive so I’ve decided to be cremated
*wakes up in cremation oven*
Hello lamppost, whatcha knowin’? I come to watc–
Lamppost: Nice scarf princess.
Me: I’ve spent a whole quarter of this year isolated inside of my house.
Friend: I know. Lockdown has been really tough.
Me: What lockdown?
most villains can be defeeted with a simple bone saw.
At this point the angel on my shoulder just mutters “You’ll regret it,” then slowly sips whiskey.
If you don’t fold the laundry, it won’t get folded. I know because I run this experiment weekly
I’m a good person!
You can tell because I’m announcing it loudly.
Every sitcom: So you know how in your late twenties and early 30s, you have this close group of friends that just kind of hangs out at each other’s houses all the time?
Teenage me: definitely.
30s me: Wait, what
To establish dominance around the dinner table have everyone watch you eat the crust off of their pot pie before serving it to them.
british people are always saying fucked up shit like “i grew up in Poppington Square but moved to King’s Jangly before settling in Elephant-Upon-Strighton.”
Satan: welcome to your own hell where…
me: is it hot in here or is it just me 😉
Satan:…everyones a comedian.
me: haha i just like to keep it light.
Satan: no, [gesturing around] EVERYones a comedian.
me: oh god
Her: You know, alot of men are going to be miserable when I marry.
Me: Well how many men do you plan to marry?
Midnight shift 6 of 8: I punched a mirror because it was dark and I thought my reflection was an intruder, I wait at stop signs for them to turn green and I tried to unlock the fridge with my car keys. This is life now.
Harry Styles sounds like a made-up name that Big Foot would use to sneak into a fashion show.
Here me out, Jurassic Barbie.
Son: I’m scared of bees
Me (very wise): Eventually every letter of the alphabet will terrify you
Wife: *glares* “Do you think you’re funny?”
Me: “Yes.”
W:
M:
W:
Me: “I mean no.”
W:
M: “How many guesses do I get?”