Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
You Might Also Like
Eating chips and watching TV annoys me because of the loud crunching noise. Then I realize I’m eating chips and watching TV and I’m not annoyed anymore.
Hydrate the goths. No government stands a chance against hydrated goths.
DOCTOR: “I’m calling to notify you of your outstanding balance.”
ME: “Thanks! I do yoga.”
DOCTOR:……..
Your restraining order says NO
But your lazy eye says…….maybe later.
Niagara Falls
Me: “OMG are you okay?! That was a bad one!”
One thing about me, I’m a clear communicator
When the lady at the DMV asked if I wanted to be an organ donor, I told her, “Yes, but only if I die.”
Me: my wife says I catastrophize everything
Therapist: *chuckling* how is she doing?
Me: I don’t know she hasn’t returned my texts for over five minutes I think she’s dead
Restaurants: put your phone down. Live in the moment. Scan our QR code and browse our wares or starve
babies gremlins
🤝getting wet after midnight makes more
But wait…..does your wife know that you’re divorced?
me: iced latte please
barista: what type of milk?
me: spaghetti
is frankincense just very honest incense?
Cop: step out of the car please
Me: I picked a good day to wear my tap dancin’ shoes
You know it was a good party when the neighbor sends you a text to say they managed to get your bra off their roof
So apparently in Las Vegas if you leave the “do not disturb” sign on your hotel door for more than 72 hours they automatically send over a police officer to make sure you’re still alive. Steve was very nice.
Nothing confuses me more than when the worker at a wine tasting says that the wine I’m about to sample is bursting with delicious flavors of apple, pear, and peaches, but all I can taste is armpit.
This is meant to give your cat a seat at the table but it could totally be a whack-a-mole game instead
I was craving BBQ for dinner but my wife ordered Chinese. She showed a wonton disregard for my feelings.
HR: Did you eat all the mints that were in my jar?
me: No [some mints fall out of my mouth]
HR:
me: Yes [more mints fall out of my mouth]
Husband: I love you.
Me: I have a boyfriend.
Why are people scared of flying?! The Earth is a giant spaceship with no pilots. That’s way scarier.
Dentist: “Wow your teeth really got yellow since last time. I’m prescribing a new Snapchat filter.”
“Hellman is sick. His sodium level is high and he’s dehydrated.”
“Omg. Where is he now???”
“He’s at the Mayo Clinic.”
What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?
why do “youngster” and “elderly” get to be words, but “oldster” and “youngerly” don’t?
Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”
If you ever have 17 hours to kill, ask someone freshly inked what their tattoo means.