THE ANTICHRIST: Hey, dad. I’m hungry.
THE DEVIL: Hi, Hungry. I’m Beelzebub, the serpent in the Garden, Lucifer, son of the morning, the fallen angel, Baphomet, the prince of darkness, Mephistopheles, Satan, the truest evil, Mammon, the dragon of the bottomless pit, left hand of—
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How to stop Facebook Live and Marketplace notifications:
1) Open Facebook app
2) Go to Settings
3) Throw your phone into a river
i think i understand why rhinos are going extinct
(Guy saves family from burning house)
Dad: You’re a hero.
Guy: Anyone could’ve done it.
Mom: You’re so humble.
Guy: Yes, I’m Super Modest.
“are you ok?” no i took the cereal bag out of the box and now it won’t fit back in
Me: are you going to be a better listener?
Pause
5: maybe is the best I can do
Well, I’ve put it off long enough. I guess I should check on those wraith-like noises coming from the attic. I’ll be right back.
I like dogs cuz if you do something stupid they don’t criticize you, they do it with you.
When you realize your football team sucks, and you just ate an entire bag of Halloween candy.
Me: No one told me raising a baby would be sooo hard 😰
My baby:
Oh wow. It’s so big. Size really does matter. I love it so much.
~my new handbag
Clarissa didn’t explain this at all
I don’t care what color or creed you are. Or what your religion is. Do not eat my work sandwich.
At this point, if Pennywise tries to lure me into the sewer, I’m going.
According to commercials, a woman’s primary goal in life is to lock in moisture.
that’s the thing with this thing, it’s very thingy
{The purge}
GUY MURDERING ME: It’s “purge.” It’s a soft g.
ME: The purg. I feel like I’m saying it.
GUY: No, it’s “purge.” You’re saying it like “iceberg.”
ME: Purg.
GUY: *Getting increasingly frustrated* Say iceberg.
ME: Iceburge.
Him: Sarah is dead.
Me: Oh Thank God! She wasn’t answering my emails and I thought she was mad at me…
I’m perfectly fine with kissing frogs to find a prince…But I draw the line at kissing snakes.
If you want your kid to repeat doing something then just say “don’t do that!”
Of course you can be anything you wanna be. That’s how delusions work.
8 out of 10 ladies at a karaoke bar who sing,“I Will Survive,” are hoping the enemies who wronged them are in the audience.
ME [buying a packet of bird seed] so how many birds will I be able to grow?
[Hydra command meeting]
Red Skull: Cut off one head, TWO MORE SHALL TAKE ITS PLACE!
Me, an intellectual: I feel like we’d be doing a lot better if we just grew two more without waiting for one to be cut off.
Me (looking up at the clock): Oh no, boys and girls we were working so hard we missed recess! I’m so sorry that I forgot.
6yo: (patting my arm) That’s ok, I think that happens when you start to get older.
Some mornings I just want to punch people in the face before they could even speak because I know they’ll definitely deserve it later in the day !!
One day she says “Treat me like a princess,” the next she’s pissed that I married her off in exchange for an alliance with Spain. Women…
Me: You should be nicer to me. You’ll never have another dad.
5-year-old: Don’t be so sure. Mom is pretty.
Me: I’m going to mall
Wife: For what?
Me: Oh, you know. To, um, shop
Wife: So, you’re NOT going to stand at the top of the escalator saying “wow, that escalated quickly” to everyone that gets off?
Me: I thought I asked you not to bring that UP.
My goal is to have this whole hand washing thing mastered before they decide to remove the instructions.