Half way through the movie, I brought some popcorn downstairs for the kids & realized I rented the wrong Black Stallion DVD.
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Returning my uneaten fries to McDonald’s for store credit
#WhenIMisspelled ya know.
Can people I follow stop disagreeing with each other? I depend on you lot to tell me what to think.
Me *putting honey on toast*
Son: do you know bees make that?
Me: uh yeah I’m not an idiot
[Later]
Date: tell me something interestingMe: bees make toast
Me as a detective:
[analyzes evidence with magnifying glass]
[evidence catches on fire]
no no no no
So if you want to be sure your internet history is deleted, just whisper ‘please delete my internet history’ into any hole on the computer
HIM: I’m not crying, you’re crying
ME: we’re all crying, this is a funeral
Yesterday I called a store to see if they were open and, as soon as they picked up, I knew they were, but had to follow through with what was by then a really stupid question.
Hear me out Pixar: 2 Rat 2 Touille
[THE INVENTOR OF GUM]
What if you could just pretend to eat?
I miss this era type of pranks😭
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
teen drug use & sex are down this year which proves that teens are boring
I just locked eyes with a man at the gym. Was it because of his massive muscles? His perfect sun kissed tan topped with nicely placed tattoos? Was it his large hands and feet? No. It was because he was eating a Caramel Apple Pop and I didn’t know you could still buy those.
[Old lady] Please dont pet my dog. She’s a service dog
[Me] Omg I’m so sorry (stands up straight & salutes dog) Thank you for your service
tour guide: here are the sharks
me: bitey boi
guide: …and over here, a swordfish
me: pointy boi
guide: get out of the aquarium
Today my battery went dead on my car key so I had to manually unlock it like the pioneers did.
wife: honey did you see the new player piano I bought
me: *stops googling can ghosts play the piano* yes I did
Someone called me
yesterday and said,
“Hello, is this Ross”
I said ” no it’s Chandler”
And they hung up.So much for trying to
be Friends.
went fishing caught a bass
I can’t believe Halloween was 10 pounds ago.
“We’re not lost!” Dad would insist, despite Mom’s complaints that “This isn’t on the map” and “We shouldn’t be seeing the ocean from Tulsa.”
Alcohol won’t solve my problems, but neither will milk or orange juice.
Actually you’re having a conversation with yourself. I’m just here so you don’t appear totally insane.
If you can’t handle me at my worst you’re really missing out on some interesting things to tell your therapist
dude at the dispensary is shooting his shot w a girl by explaining the entirety of Naruto. Everybody pray for him rn
*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come
[on date]
ME: I like my women like I like my wine
WAITER: [arrives] Anything to drink?
ME: [clears throat] One glass of very hot wine please
Him [angrily]: You borrowed my car and it’s a mess. McDonald’s wrappers, fries on the floor…
Me: Let me stop you right there, because first of all, I never TOUCH McDonald’s. It’s Wendy’s.
How to Parallel Park
1. Back in slowly
2. Nope wrong angle
3. Oh god, ur holding up traffic
4. Keep driving forever, u live in the car now