Getting older means having to put a daily stop to the romance between my left and right eyebrows before they become One.
You Might Also Like
Planet of the Apps.
Did you know?
Salmon swim upstream through intense water rapids to mate, lay eggs, then die. They leave their young to fend for themselves.
[Looks at my kids fighting over a piece of lint]
I think salmon have the right idea.
Welcome to your 40s, your bra wins the Oscar for the best actor in a supportive role.
I love how people slow down and come to a complete stop to read the dammed traffic signs.
It says: STOP
You don’t need to study the dammed thing.
a joke attributed to nasreddin, a medieval turkish humorist
The English language lacks a word to mean “To make a spouse feel uncomfortable by aggressively cleaning the house around them”.
Texas.
Where the vegan menu item is chicken.
My 3yo came home saying he learned how to sit “criss cross pizza sauce” and I just want to know when they changed it from “applesauce”.
Amazing coincidence how the things I agree with are objectively true and the things I disagree with aren’t
🤣😂🤣
Husband: I’m taking new herbal supplements which mean I can’t eat chocolate
Me: I’m sorry I don’t understand
H: I can’t eat chocolate
Me: nope you’re making no sense *checks him for fever*
5 Stages of Girl Scout Cookie Season:
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. 436 boxes of Thin Mints
Me: When I have a rough day, you’re there. When I need to cry, you’re there. Nobody helps me gain 10 pounds the way you do. Cheesecake:
nurse: height
me: 6’4”
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
TALL GUY: 6 feet, 4 inches.
ME: Wow! I only have two feet, but they’re regular sized.
*shows up at your potluck with a handful of McDonald’s ketchup packets*
Me: *turns on faucet*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*
Me: *turns on the garbage disposal*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*Repeat forever.
Ghosts will turn lights on and off, open and close doors, move objects, but never once have they ever turned on a treadmill and I think that’s very telling.
I don’t trust rain…
Nature giving away free water like a damn hippie, instead of charging $2.99 a bottle like God intended?
Something doesn’t add up and it feels like communism
I watched someone give a Starbucks Unicorn Frappuccino to a homeless woman. She took one sip and threw it in the trash.
Anyone can recommend a good Hobbit movie?
[job interview]
“So why do you want to be a jeweler?”ME(thinking about using that eye thing to appraise chicken nuggets): I love rubies
Weather man said all you need today is sunglasses and sunscreen but I think I’ll put some clothes on too.
Sorry, I called you by accident. I was actually just trying to delete your number from my phone.
Congrats to my tween for graduating at the top of his class from eye roll university.
Everything I know about the Royal family has been learned against my will
*Gandalf rollerblades into the club*
“YO DJ PLAY SOME DIRTY DUBSTE–
*slips on a drink & lands flat on face* “SCRAP THAT CALL AN AMBULANCE
Relationship status:
I ran out of toilet paper a week ago.
Update:
I am now running out of paper towels.
Kids have so many food allergies these days.
In 15 years you’ll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts.
December has 5 Saturdays.
FIVE.
That November salary will be fighting for its life.