Me to my husband: Why do you insist on bringing that up? That was in the past.
Husband: It just happened.
Me: But it was in the past.
Husband: It was five minutes ago.
Me: In. The. Past.
You Might Also Like
When do you introduce yourself to your new neighbors? Is it after 5 years? Tell me it’s after you hit their mailbox with your car.
Me: Here’s half my income.
Daycare: Cool. Here’s a new virus every other week.
(My kid looking over my shoulder as I sign an email.)
Kid: You’re not a Dr!
Me: YES I AM! What do you think I was studying for all the time when you were little?
Kid: Oh, I thought you just liked reading books and crying.
trust my gut? the thing that can’t even handle milk?
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *pretending I’m asleep so he has to carry me up to my bed*
COP: Oh dang
I bought a big bag of M&Ms thinking I could have 3 every night for a snack, as if I’ve never met me before.
The rumor that I’m secretly creating a zombie apocalypse to generate demand for flamethrowers is completely false
My ambition is to be the last man on earth so that I can find out if all those girls were telling the truth.
if all my dreams come true then the next time i go grocery shopping i’ll start mopping up a spill because suddenly i work there but then realize i forgot to wear pants so i’ll try to run home but my legs are made of rubber and then all my teeth fall out so stop wishing that on me
Good cop: you want coffee?
Bad cop: where did you hide the money?
Cop that freelances for BuzzFeed: answer these questions to find out what type of criminal you are
Wearing shades inside makes me look cool, right?
*Trips over the cat*
[Enters Building]
“Excuse…”
*Voice fades*
“… anyone…”
“… how to…”
“… out this…”
“… ving door?”
A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.
Doctor: Do you smoke?
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D: tobacco
Me: No.
Did you hear about how people in Athens don’t even wake up until noon?
They say dawn is pretty tough on Greece.
911: Whats ur emergency?
“OMG my neighbours cat is stuck on the roof-”
911: Ma’am, this is an emergency only service-
“-of my sons mouth.”
Hubs and I have fought so much lately I’ve lost 10 lbs. I thought about leaving him, but I’d like to lose another 10 lbs first.
me: i wish i were the most beautiful person in the world
genie: ok [snaps fingers]
me: [blushing] omg nothing has changed
genie: i tried but you’re just so ugly
Alcohol won’t solve my problems, but neither will milk or orange juice.
Requiring everyone’s clocks to be the same is communism. Let the free market decide what time it is
piss me off and I’ll put you on my kid’s school fundraiser mailing lists
date: i had fun tonight
me: me too
me: *mashes mouth against one cheek & slowly drags it across their whole face*
me: that’s how slugs kiss
Just found out my wife is pregnant.
Considering we haven’t had sex in two years, we’ve decided to name him Jesus
Why do I always zone out when the server reads back my order? They could be saying “lobster dinners for everyone in the restaurant” and I’d say yeah.
Space Cat: *furious as he knocks items off of a shelf and they just float in place, mocking him*
To everyone out there suffering from anxiety: you are not alone there’s someone behind you
Did you ever ask your parents what went wrong, people named Lasagna?
ANDY: I clarified your butter.
ME: Ghee! Thanks!
Damn that is one huge cow. this is why I buy internet on flights. I almost saw that 6 hours after you guys did
My Dog: *quiet, with his ears folded like little fortune cookies*
Me: WHAT DID YOU DO