My mom is pretty relaxed about earthquakes.
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Anytime I get something stuck in my throat, I drink some beer.
I call this the Heineken maneuver.
Sloth is a deadly sin and an animal.
How come we don’t have animals named after the other deadly sins?
Me, seeing five little monkeys jumping on the bed: *closes door*
When you’re craving a Krabby Patty so bad!!! But the Krusty Krab is closed….and also fictional.
Quit coffee and now I’m like one of those fish at the bottom of the ocean that use antennae to find their way through the dark.
Me when the elevator tries to leave without me
When we do get this coronavirus vaccine, it better not just be cake.
I totally just realized that Dora the Explorer and Vlad the Impaler have the same middle name
All generalizations are stupid.
When nothing is going as planned, but you’re used to it.
When Adele sets fire to the rain, she wins a Grammy.
When I set fire to the rain, I’m an “environmental terrorist”.
Fine.
As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.
Ben Affleck works at Dunkin’ Donuts in their new #SuperBowl ad.
Me at 10 pm: lets brush my teeth so that I don’t eat unnecessarily
Me at 10.10 pm: dang it
Them: Ma’am, we’re going to have to ask you leave…
Me: *doing the limbo under the police tape at a crime scene*
dad: *holds up condoms* what are these
son: …
dad: *pulls out matches* you’re gonna smoke every last one
If at first you don’t like the beard on your face, don’t worry; it will eventually grow on you.
Me: Leonard Nimoy died today.
Co-worker: From Star Wars?*goes home*
Wife: How was your day?
Me: Leonard Nimoy and a co-worker died today.
My father used to locate and deactivate land mines for a living. I wish to follow in his footsteps. His EXACT footsteps.
[restaurant]
date: you wanna split the bill?
me: don’t be silly!
date: oh wow thank you
me: for what?
me: aren’t you going to ask if i’m sexually active
doctor: i don’t really need to
me: wait why
doctor:
me:
doctor: look i heard you say ‘okie dokie’ to the receptionist i already know you aren’t
If you eat guns, you’ll sweat bullets.
It’s science.
Probably the most humiliating thing that can happen when you die is that you come back as a fitted-sheet ghost.
“Have you seen my dog? He drove away from home…”
*Someone sends me a 4 minute video*
me: [42 seconds later] wow that’s so awesome thanks for sharing!
The thing about my dogs barking is I can never tell if there is a murderer breaking in or if my neighbor closed their car door in the driveway.
Sex scenes in movies are okay but the audience MUST BE WARNED. A red flashing light, words on the screen saying WARNING: SEX SCENE AHEAD and a loud ‘awooga! awooga!’ type siren would be a good start
Worm gf: would you still love me if I was a human?
Me: eh… let’s eh… let’s talk about something more realistic ok
why would anyone want a baby? it’s just another thing you have to clean
[creating eyelashes]
God: Give them a row of stiff hairs to protect their eyes.
Angel: Alright.
God: But make the hairs occasionally turn traitor and try to destroy the very thing they’re supposed to protect.
Angel: Dude, wtf is wrong with you?