Finally, somewhere I can take my Croissant Bernard.
You Might Also Like
The sign at this gas station says “turn engine off” so I catcalled my engine and its cute friend from across the street.
Put “spree” after “killing” and the whole thing suddenly sounds so breezy and upbeat.
I’m ugly in California man. I got a job there at a poison control center and they just called me into the room when they needed someone to throw up
Absence does not make the heart grow fonder.
Unless you’re talking about Oreos.
I was thinking about blocking the Suez canal but that ship has sailed
Me: Forgive me father I have sinned
Priest: Get out of my house
M: But it’s a big sin
P: *sigh* Speak child
M: I broke into your house
Every day is a struggle to resist the overwhelming biological urge to throw a frozen watermelon into a hot deep fat fryer but yes, I’d love to help you plan a formal dinner party.
I used to be a big proponent of super-descriptions of characters in stories–down to the last ribbon of their costume. Nowadays, I think vague details work well for a lot of reasons, such as not having to go back and remember how you described them when you’re writing a new book.
Yesterday I asked my kindergartener what she did in school and she said “nothing,” then later I went on Instagram and her teacher had posted a picture of her holding a crocodile.
boss: hi
me: *pretends to read an email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read an email”
I’m starting to suspect the Christmas tradition of the kids cleaning the house for Santa while the parents nap is just something my parents made up.
“I’m sorry”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━0:06
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁ 5%“…but”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━━70:28:54
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁▂▃▄▅▆▇ 100%
2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs
I just laid on my cat’s keyboard while he was working on a last minute PowerPoint presentation.
I love birthdays! My boyfriend rented a special hotel room for us to fight in.
Overheard in hair salon: “I have LITERALLY no shorts. Like I seriously have only 4 or 5 pairs of shorts.”
This is why I can’t stand people.
Twitter takes me places I’ve never been before. Take oncoming traffic for example.
why does PayPal sound vaguely threatening
stephen king’s mind:
what if dog…bad?
what if car…bad?
what if clown…bad?
what if hotel…bad?
#growingpains
Me: * spends the day cleaning the house*
My kids: what have you done?!
If you are farther than me in candy crush I will automatically think you are smarter than me.
If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I’d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.
Me: I better make banana bread before all the bananas go bad
*walks into the kitchen to find the bananas wielding switch blades*
Me: h-how are you smoking??
Paul Dano has his priorities and it kills me
being single sucks when u have to designate an emergency contact bc what? my dad’s gonna fly to burbank when i faint at a pilates studio?
Parents that need to reheat coffee are adorable.
Hardened parents will chug it cold, or chew straight up coffee grounds; they’re desperate.
Demon: This is Hell’s library
-Seems…nice? Just looks like a library.
OPEN ONE!
-Ok *opens* This is in Comic Sans!
*cackles* They all are!
the sandworm from dune has arrived on the red carpet
How long do I have to sleep before I’m legally a bear?