I’m making all of the random open bags of things in our freezer for dinner. Everyone gets 4 chicken nuggets, 5 tater tots, 6 fries, and an onion ring.
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Just your annual reminder about this seagull that turned orange after it fell into a container of chicken tikka masala while trying to get a piece of meat from a factory bin. #SpiceGull
Kids, do not try this at home!
A dog just came up to me to say hello and the owner dragged him off.
Jealousy will get you nowhere, pal.
What do people who drive 20 mph slower in the rain want from us
Had my mom call me to get out of a meeting, but now I’m stuck in a call with my mom
An apple a day keeps the doctor away unless you try to swallow one whole
I Photoshop paddington into a movie or TV show until I forget: Day 520
aladdin: i can show you the world
jasmine: no
aladdin: i can show you a cool bug
jasmine: ok
Someone just quote tweeted me to call me pretentious, but they misspelled it. I’d correct them but…
I’ll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.
her: and what do you do?
me: I’m a mail escort
postal worker: I won’t tell you again, I don’t need you following me everywhere!
REMINDER: It’s almost March.
Don’t forget to to take down your gum disease decorations.
[dragging bathtub into the kitchen]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Toaster cord is too short.
Interviewer: “Why did you leave your last job?”
Me: “After coming back from vacation, all my passwords had expired. It was easier to resign than reset them.”
Sometimes? I’m slipping
Meanwhile, a pug wearing an ugly Christmas sweater is having a doggy wedding in Central Park, while I can’t even get a girl to text me back
No one talks to you on the bus when you’re shaking a box of Milk Duds that your head phones are plugged into.
I brought my niece (6) to Home Depot and was looking around when I heard her say to the paint guy, very loudly, “THAT MAN IS NOT MY BOYFRIEND” Lol thanks for clearing that up Emma
Jehovah’s Witness: Do you have time to talk about Jesus?
Jesus: *In disguise* sure
JW: He’s lame
J: *rips off fake beard* Big mistake pal
DATE: Wtf are you doing?
ME: *hula hooping* It’s called foreplay, Denise.
Instead of seizing the day, I’m going to make little “shoo shoo” motions at it.
Facebook: Here are some people you may know
Me: I don’t know them
Facebook: Ok I’ll ask you again next time
Me: No, I still won’t know them
Facebook: ok lol
Me: I’m serious
Facebook: Haha ok
Me: You gonna stop it?
Facebook: *winks* yes
Me: Did you just wink?
Facebook: *winks* no
I just watched a video about a 9-year-old kid who recently graduated high school and wants to become an astrophysicist. I had to Google “How do you spell astrophysicist?”
it kinda makes me laugh when I see old men put “not interested in bots” in their bios on here, as though the bots will read it and are thereby be obligated to respect their boundaries like they did back in the good old bot days of yore
Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store asked to come back soon
“Which one is you?”
– My favorite response when someone shows me a selfie with other people in it.
Brenda from work unfollowed me on here so now I have to follow her around the office all day reading my tweets like a news broadcaster
When I was younger, I never liked the monkey bars, because monkeys are mean drunks.
I’m jealous of Gen Z for missing the era of the “cute top.” I once asked a forum about club outfits ideas and everyone said “jeans and a cute top” and I said “what’s an example of a cute top” and they all just laughed and told me to Google it
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons