Her: I think my boyfriend’s cheating.
Friend: Oh no! Why do you say that?
Her: He’s passing his exams but he never studies.
You Might Also Like
“Struggling with insomnia” sounds like you’re just trying to help insomnia put on its coat and it won’t stop waving its arms around.
The ways printers are like kids:
1. Need feeding
2. Are noisy
3. Can’t function when offline
Friend: How’s your Keto diet going?
Me: [throws fourth T-bone onto plate] My cholesterol’s extremely high, so I had a heart attack, but I’ve lost 2 pounds.
my Face ID only recognizes me if I have a cookie in my mouth
My daughter likes to give me her failed artwork, claiming it was made with all her love just for me. Then she grabs a new piece of paper to make her drawing better and keeps that for herself. Well played, little one. Well played.
You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.
You take the garbage out and forget to put a new liner in the kitchen trash can and your family throws garbage in anyway because team work.
Asking me which one of my tweets is my favorite is like asking an Indian dad which one of his children is his favorite. I don’t think any of them are good enough.
Don’t follow me… I once sat in a traffic jam for 5 minutes getting pissed off while everyone lined up behind me, but I realised they were parked cars
Remember when we thought 2016 was a particularly bad year?
*Laughs in 2020*
When I’m eating shared nachos I’m always thinking 3 nacho moves ahead of my opponent.
All these years you thought your grandma had Alzheimers, and turns out she just didn’t want to talk to you.
Jesus: I HAVE RETURNED
[wife & I arguing about who used the last paper towel or some other shit]
Jesus: OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
Our friends have canceled our dinner plans 3 nights in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like dinner.
Bee hives are like nature’s free piñatas. Except when the candy comes out it chases you and causes anaphylactic shock.
*tornado takes out half of my house*
Me: (without looking up from my phone) hey guys is the internet not working for you?
*animal dies in a movie*
this is the saddest thing I’ve ever seen*robot dies in a movie*
omg why am I crying it’s just a robot*human dies in a movie*
yes yes kill them all
Pharaohs were buried with their hands crossed over their chest because of the belief there would be countless water slides in the after life.
You put in your offer, but then discover the neighbors have a peacock, possibly peacocks. You wonder if they’ll get along with yours.
Men: nothing is sexier than a woman with a great sense of humor
Also men: except, like, a really sexy woman
you don’t need to go to a workshop to build a bear, most of the time you don’t even need to build a bear.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
Finally found the perfect background for my zoom meetings
Alligators can survive for 2-3 years without eating. My personal record is 16 minutes.
I wished I loved anything as much as white people love saying “gracias” at Mexican restaurants.
GPS: turn left onto High Street
Husband: no thanks, I know a longer way.
Cap’n Crunch and Count Chocula aren’t so tough. I have guys like you for breakfast.
When I sign an email “Yours” it’s not a term of endearment— it means this email is now yours I’m done with it get it away from me.
6: Mommy where are you putting your cameltoe this year?
Me:
6: I like it
Me: It’s mistletoe son
[marriage counseling]
Ginny- He always hides from our problems.
Therapist- Is this true?
Harry- *puts on invisibility cloak* No.