After taking a bunch of 7-year-olds on a field trip to the Natural History Museum, I realized their favorite exhibit was “Elevator Buttons.”
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I would totally do this if I had any desire to grow ghost peppers.
I spend 90% of my life trying to do the right thing and the other half wondering why I don’t understand Math.
[plastic surgeon holds mirror up to my face]
ME: What happened!? I’m a monster!
DOCTOR: We had to postpone your surgery.
[Speech Therapy]
Therapist: Repeat after me: I’m thirsty
Dad: I’m…thirsty
T: I’m hungry
D: I’m…H…Hi Hungry, I’m Dad
T: *throws clipboard*
In a marriage it’s always a competition to see who can look busier, hence why I sighed and shook my head repeatedly while writing this.
I thought my 1-year-old had hints of red in her hair like me. Turned out she had dried-up sweet potato in her hair…also like me.
I am buying these mints because they are more violent than other mints
When I said ‘You can’t buy my love.’
I meant with your salary.
When people write to tell me I’m not good at comedy, I reply “Well you’re not good at fan mail” then we all laugh &they are proved wrong.
Today I’m offering free root canals. I’ve watched a bunch of YouTube videos and I can do this
Cop: we have you surrounded! Get down on the ground now!
Cardboard Man: sigh not again
*cops start breakdancing*
Me: What are you excited to see at the aquarium?
2: Giraffes!
Me: There’s only water animals there
2: Cows!
A fitness trainer showed me the proper way to inhale and exhale and then got pissed when I told her she had nice breaths.
[looking in the mirror and thinking about how I’m created in God’s image] wow God needs to go on a diet.
[Airport Departures]
We have a family-friendly policy to always seat children onboard with their parents
Me: Even if I pay extra?
Left water in the car in case I was thirsty & now I can boil pasta in my mouth.
SIGN: Do not reach hands into enclosure.
ME: *slowly starts sliding big toe towards panda*
“It’s just me, my board, and my iron, catching some sweet sweet wrinkles.”
DISCIPLES: Why did it take you 3 days to come back from the dead?
JESUS: [remembering all the times he hit snooze] All the praying and stuff.
[firing squad]
Captain: Any last words?
Prisoner: Why, yes. I’d like to speak with you for a moment about gun control.
When a really horrible person dies I always like to think of it as them being recalled.
A robot robbed a bank but was caught when it’s battery died..
Police have no plans to charge the suspect.I’m here all week😬
[home depot]
employee[yelling]: YOU CAN’T DO THAT IN HERE
me: [yelling over the sound of revving chainsaw]: WHAT
im starting to think mr peanut was the only thing holding the world together
*deletes my ex’s phone number*
k, weigh me now.
hey can i get an ETA on that this too shall pass?
My current situation
Dress for the job you want, not the job you have. Better yet, dress for jobs that don’t even exist. Werewolf psychiatrist. Clown assassin.
date: *opening apt door* this is where the murder happens
me: OMG!
date: sorry magic happens haha I always confuse those two
me: phew
date: *locks door behind us* and now to magic you
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to help me put a bunch of ducks in my car.