If by “morning person” you mean I wake up at 4 am staring into the inky blackness imagining horrific outcomes then yes I’m a morning person.
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Welcome to Twitter. It’s like cooking spaghetti: Throw your noodle at the wall to see if something sticks.
Just found seven Easter eggs while putting up Halloween decorations.
*comes into work with black eye* oh please I’m fine guys! But you shoulda seen the other guy. He was a cabinet door that i walked into
Every time I walk in on my brother watching a Star War, there’s 10 characters I don’t recognize and I just walk away
Peanut Butter CEO: it’s taking too long to mix it, leave it lumpy
Me: umm
CEO: call it crunchy
Me: oh ok then we charge less
CEO: hahaha no
[My Wedding]
Me: I do
Guests: Awww
Me: Or do I?
Guests: Ooooo
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
[January 1st]
Moon: whatcha gonna do today
Earth: START A REVOLUTION
I like to confuse my husband. So I smiled at him this morning.
Spelling words to your spouse to hide things from your kids is great until you get to M&Ms.
Wife: “You want to come upstairs?”
Me: “Hell yes!”
Wife: “I was talking to the dog.”
Now I’m trying to see if I can hear the ocean
– me, as a gynecologist
I choose my underwear for the day based on how likely I am to have sex.
Today I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway.
dry january is so funny. people are like how can i make the worst month of the year even worse
So inspired right now.
Steven: I love you
Stephen: I lophe you too
My favorite part of eating alone at this trendy restaurant was when the waitress asked if I had cats because I had cat hair, “all over.”
*At hospital visiting a patient. Pulls emergency cord in bathroom*
Nurse: What’s the emergency ma’am?
Me: This toilet paper is on backwards.
*romantically sprinkles a rose pedal path to the dirty dishes
I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.
Lube but for my dry humor.
A child in the playground did an impressive move on the monkey bars
Wow, that’s pretty good, I said.
My 7 year old, without batting an eyelid, and not even realising he has Twitter potential, turned to me and uttered the words…
“Hold my rice cake”
People say they’re gung-ho about saving the environment, but propose reusing toilet paper at a city council meeting one time and suddenly global warming’s “not that big of a deal” and “you’re not welcome here”
My tiny pocket in my jeans is actually to put my annual salary
Do-it-yourself home remodeling usually starts in the kitchen and ends in the depths of Hell.
“You’re never going to believe this, but my doctor just told me I’ve got a protein deficiency.”
“No whey!”
COP: Do u know why I pulled u over?
ME: *looks at the penguin in my passenger seat* God damnit Ralph I told u to put ur seatbelt on.
If the kids are so noisy from the backseat you can hear them above the music, it obviously wasn’t cranked up loud enough to begin with.
Parents: Are you eating well at school?
Me: Totally
*Eats sugary cereal for every meal from the dining hall*
“2! 4! 6! 8! Who do we appreciate?
Nobody!!!! Hahahahahaha!”
-Teenagers