office jobs are so funny because you’ll be 24 and your greatest enemy in the world is a 55 year old woman named betty from finance
You Might Also Like
Imagine a squirrel making a nest at your window and being able to watch them sleep and grow 🥺
god: i need you to get me some teeth
fairy: what
god: from children
fairy: WHAT
god: ok fine pay them
Revenge sounds so mean-spirited and hurtful. I prefer to think of it as returning the favor.
[guy who invented windshield wipers] make sure it smudges the part where they have to see.
Me: *getting off the couch*
I’ll be right back.Dog: I would really feel more comfortable if we went together.
Everyone is gangster until they’re asked to reveal a “fun fact” about themself as part of a work event icebreaker.
Cop: We found a decapitated body in the bay. Looks like he was attacked by a shark.
Chief: Did you get his name?
Cop: Sharks don’t have names, Chief.
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
It’s pretty funny that the kid voted most likely to succeed in high school just made my value meal.
Nextdoor doesn’t always deliver, but boy oh boy when it does…
listen, Geppetto made a marionette to replace his dead son, so technically Pinocchio is “mourning wood.”
The Bible Belt – the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.
“Welcome to daycare. Here’s your eye infection.”
So we’re agreed: if that balloon flies over any of us, we moon it like it’s 1978
[starship battle]
CAPTAIN: We’re outgunned! Our only hope is to hide in that nebulaENSIGN WHOSE JOB IS CLEANING NEBULA GUNK OFF THE HULL: what if instead we made peace with our inevitable deaths?
Teenagers should not handle weapons to fight crime or be turtles.
I asked my doctor if I need to cancel my birthday party, but she said that’s only for events over 10 people.
The first 16 hours after getting out of bed are the hardest.
Don’t ask me if I’m flirting with you I promise you I have literally no idea
I’m never more aware of a room’s acoustics than when I’m trying to enjoy a snack I have no intention of sharing.
[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]
Sometimes I get bored and tell people I’ve never had pizza before.
My ex got a name tattoo of the girl he married after divorcing me and now they’re divorced already. I love that shit universe, keep it up.
I introduced my kids to the “magical snap of sleep”, when I snap my fingers the person in bed falls instantly asleep, it worked beautifully on my husband but the kids are still awake
In a few years, when the kids leave home, the wife & I are planning to downsize to a smaller house. She’s told me I’ll need to significantly reduce my vinyl collection – so I’ve started buying up cheap records I don’t want so I can “sacrifice” them when the time comes.
Them: you’re fired
Me: Well GOOD LUCK dealing with this mess when I’m gone *gesturing to my crumb-covered workspace*
If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following
I don’t always leave the house, but when I do I shouldn’t.
Her hands were garlic breadsticks of action. Her face was a Cesar salad of expression.
[accidentally calls teacher “mom”]
MY BRAIN: shit, play it cool. say something.
ME: what’s for dinner tonight
BRAIN: what