Me: gentleman of this truck stop bathroom, please boo that kid for not washing his hands
All: BOOOO!
kid: I am telling mom
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Owls can make clicking noises with their tongues, often as part of a threat display.
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[job interview]
What experience do you have plucking chickens?
Me: See all those hairs on my chin?
No.
Me: Exactly.
I’m sorry if I looked interested. You probably caught me fantasizing about bacon.
I feel both proud and ashamed when I see an eating challenge that looks like my average meal.
I just ran into my high school bully and it was great cause I’m doing well and he’s 17 which is very old for a dog
even if i become ranked as a grand master in chess im still going to call it a horsey
It hurts when someone you love says mean things like, ‘Mom, wake up’ and ‘Mom, you need to get out of bed and make breakfast’
My daughter likes to give me her failed artwork, claiming it was made with all her love just for me. Then she grabs a new piece of paper to make her drawing better and keeps that for herself. Well played, little one. Well played.
Order a pizza then act confused when it arrives. “A delivery for Aaron? Aarons DEAD. He DIED ordering a pizza in this house 10 years ago”
My wife: Tell me your wildest fantasy.
Me: Clamping my dentist’s tongue with forceps and shining a bright light in his eyes while I ask him about his ski vacation.
“Creation science” has the same intellectual heft as “dragon anatomy”.
Married conversation is like regular conversation except you’re both brushing your teeth.
if i heard the mario coin sound whenever i completed a task maybe i’d accomplish more
The neighbor heard me talking to myself so I had to pretend to be on the phone.. again
“Some people call me the space cowboy”
*leans in*
“Some people call me the gangster of love”
BARISTA: I’m just gonna put Steve on the cup
cake decorator: do you want an exclamation point after “happy birthday”?
me: no, my son wanted more of a somber motif for his sixth birthday
*slides $5 to the funeral director*
Maybe you can get me the widow’s phone number?
[Hell]
Demon: We will punish you for your gluttony!Me: Neato! I’m a glutton for punishment
Demon: … *quietly into walkie-talkie* could I get a supervisor over here
amazon: our prime deliveries may be delayed due to covid-19
me: thats okay *hits accept*
amazon [seconds later]: *package smashes through living room window*
didn’t think I was even that high until I met buzz aldrin in the mirror just now
if you were really my friend, you’d know my favorite kitchen utensil. it’s the ladle. ok we’re friends now.
“Why KFC calling you at 1:36am?
Oh. My. God.
Woke up at 6 & went for a jog before hitting the gym for an hour. Now I’m back home, making up a bunch of absolute bullshit about my morning
Motel 6: We’ll leave the light on for you.
Motel 6’s Dad: What am I, made of money?
“911 what’s your emergency?”
“Yeah, I’ve got so many questions about bees.”
*sighs*
“Please hold for the president.”
I’m 40 so binge-watching a series means falling asleep mid-episode and rewatching the same one over because I forgot what happened in the beginning.
“Quit” is not in my vocabulary but “resign”, “drop out”, and “give up” are.
Tim: This is Tim from accounting.
Me: Hi Tim from accounting.
Tim: Just say Tim.
Me. Tim.
Tim: How are you today?
Me: Tim.
I’d donate my body to science after I die, but they’d find 42 packs of chewed up and swallowed Hubba Bubba and my mom would be disappointed.