[first day as co-pilot]
ME: Okay folks we’re going down
PILOT: [leaning over to unplug my headset] Good effort but it’s “we’ve started our descent”
PASSENGERS: [just losing their shit]
You Might Also Like
[being chased by a murderer]
Me: *stops running, bends down* find a penny pick it up all day long you’ll have good luck!
Murderer: *stabs me*
My 4yo is now doing the “I definitely don’t need to go to the toilet” dance
me: [in bed, hears a weird noise] wtf was that?!
dracula: [bursts out of my closet]
me: did you hear that too?!
dracula: yeah wtf was that?!
Went to work without a drop of makeup on… walked by a mirror and said good morning thinking that was someone else.
some women wear fake wedding rings in public so they don’t get hit on but I swear by my floor-length victorian widow’s veil
*walks into room, turns chair around backwards & sits down with arms crossed on it*
hey kids…I’m here to talk about how chairs confuse me
Surely it must be just Zealand by now.
him: I love animals, especially dogs
me: *I could really like him*
him: birds too
me: *he’s dead to me*
(Hot girl walks in)
Brain: Alright don’t panic. Tell her she has beautiful hair. No wait tell her she has beautiful legs!
Me: Hi you have beautiful hairy legs.
Brain: My bad.
Cereal is basically dog food for humans.
If you have teenagers, the perfect spot to hide your alcohol is wherever you keep your cleaning supplies.
COP: don’t worry sir, we’ll find your kids as soon as we can.
ME: no hurry.
instagram: look at my new boyfriend
twitter: I can’t get a boyfriend
reddit: my [21F] boyfriend [53M] boyfriend forbids me from going into the basement and has a sock drawer full of missing women’s driver’s licenses, AITA for being uncomfortable? the wedding is in three hours
I hope you never have to experience the loss of a child. Lotta paperwork.
All my life, I never thought I’d wake up at 6am to go jogging…and I was right.
GOD: Sharp pincers
CRAB: Thats dope
GOD: Hard shell
CRAB: Hell ya
GOD: Delicious legs lmao
CRAB: Wtf
Didn’t think I was that out of practice at parenting but then I went to put a friend’s one and a half year old in his car seat and it was like trying to stuff an octopus into a net bag.
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
i hate when my friend starts dating an idiot and i have to be like how could you bring this man into our lives
My favorite part of The Nun Is when the priest goes “You’re gonna need a bigger nun.”
What are you listening to?
The Who
Who?
Yes
You’re listening to Yes?
No The Who
Oh I like them
No not Them. The band is The Who.
The Band?
Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will no longer be eating cheese I don’t remember putting in my purse
I’m used to my kid bursting into the bathroom with random objects but I had to draw the line today at bringing in binoculars and her cousin.
[prison hospital]
PRIEST: Would you like to ask for forgiveness for anything?
CHARLES MANSON: Not that I can think of
PRIEST: …
CHARLES MANSON: …
PRIEST: Do you want a hint?
me after being off twitter for two days: “haha wow I don’t know what anyone is talking about”
some meme: “don’t you want to?”
if you encounter a bear in the woods, make your self as big as possible. Talk about how much money you make and how hot your girlfriend is.
noah’s google search history:
“wat is arc”
“why would god want circle segment”
“arc or ark”
“how many animals”
“5,000,000 x 2”
“is god real”
“My homework ate my dog” -student in python breeding class
2024 is starting to feel like it needs to be left outside until we see if it can act right.
Birdwatcher? I’m more of a bird ogler. A pair of nesting cardinals filed a restraining order against me in ‘07.