if *I* were a baby with no appointments or responsibilities, I would simply not wake up at 5.45am
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WIFE: Do something productive today
ME: I will
[later]
WIFE: What the-?
[dog zooms by in the car]
ME: I taught him how to drive, Karen
*picks up bug, puts it outside* There ya go. *later, bug smashes thru door carrying gun* You should have killed me when you had the chance
What idiot called it ‘Asparagus grown in Northern France’ and not ‘Brittany Spears’.
I’ve been laughing for an hour straight
“What’s the photo for again?”
“Just a freelance piece I’m writing”
“Ok great”
We didn’t lose power, so my fantasy about seducing linemen as a thank you will have to wait for the next storm
They’re on their honeymoon
At a local restaurant, I got on one knee and she said yes. 13 years later I haven’t got the balls to tell her I was just chasing a crouton.
her: my fantasy is eating whipped cream off each other, what’s yours
JRR Tolkien: *big breath in*
You’d think with food shortages around the world someone would have come up with a way to grow pepperoni pizza trees or something.
If a bear attacks you, play dead. Ok good, you’re about to feel like this forever
museums: why doesn’t anyone go to museums anymore
also museums: thanks for the $22. here are 87 bolted down ipads. tap on them
The shower scene from Psycho, but instead of a knife, Norman Bates is wielding a ferocious Chihuahua
Being a woman has its benefits and unique skills, like being able to fix whatever’s wrong with the car by turning the radio up real loud.
Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..
the human just came home. smelling like another dog. this isn’t a problem. i’m totally not upset. if anybody needs me. i’ll be over here. wondering what i ever did to deserve this
Hey dude that invented the unicycle…
Where were you wanting to go ?
then not go,
then go,
then not go,
then get bored and juggle
[zoom meeting]
big zit on my chin:
Top Seven Cereal Brands with Sexual Innuendo:
6. Lucky Charms
5. Cream of Wheat
4. Grape Nuts
3. Trix
2. Honey Smacks
1. Nut ‘n Honey
[visit to zoo]
See kids? All these animals have to live here in cages because they woke daddy up early one time.
Wife: I just wish you would open up and tell me what you’re thinking.
Me: OK, in the $1.50 Costco hotdog combo do you think the hot dog is $1 and the drink is $.50 or both $.75?
My kid is having lasagna for breakfast.
Omg I’m raising Garfield!!
Neo is 57-years-old he’s definitely taking the blue pills.
Breaking: CNN confirms planes need fuel to fly. In other news, scientist confirm brains are not needed to work at CNN.
Just ordered Dominos while at Dominos because I need a ride home.
And the award for the best actor goes to my 5yo for his role in “I can’t push this bike back it’s too heavy”
Why did they call it a drawn-on six pack and not an abs tract painting.
ME: I want a normal night of sleep
MY BRAIN: Right… So, today, you’re gonna sleep from 1 pm ’til 4 pm & again from 9 pm ’til 2 am. Tomorrow, you’re scheduled for 2 hours. The next day is 19 hours which should make up for it but you’ll somehow feel even more tired after. Haha.
I love Bruce Lee because he studied art and poetry and decided the most beautiful form of self expression is punching someone in the face
Thought I was turning into my dad, but it was just his driveway.