*returns tent to Target*
CASHIER: What was the problem?
ME: The packing implied that there would be a family that loves me inside the tent
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doctor it hurts when i do this *checks bank account*
Technically every mocking reply to a crypto bro is an NFT, because it’s a digital record of them being owned
A chicken pie in Jamaica costs £2.00
A chicken pie in Trinidad costs £2.40
A chicken pie in St Kitts costs £2.15These are the pie rates of the Caribbean
[bar]
HER: wanna get outta here? *winks*
ME: hell ya
HER: whatya thinkin?
ME: lets go to my place and arm wrestle
HER: what?
ME: u scared?
Men, please quit wishing for the perfect woman for Christmas. Three times this week Santa Claus tried to kidnap me.
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I don’t know when to quit.
Interviewer: You’re hired!
Me: I quit.
God: when they’re stressed their hair will start to fall out
Angel: nice, like the unsightly body hairs they hate?
God: lol no no no, the hair on their head
Angel: [under breath] i miss satan
Webb. James Webb.
1st child: Never let them out of sight. Water must be purified 34 times.
3rd child: The dog babysits and they drink toilet water together.
People who say “teamwork makes the dream work” are the reason that some people want to punch other people in the face.
They left us in the waiting room so long at the orthodontist this morning my son formulated a plan for what he would do there in case of earthquakes, tornadoes, hurricanes, fire, kidnappers and zombies
Me: *taking a pee*
Urologist: put that back
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
He was a satyr boy
She said see you later boy
He wasn’t goat enough for her
[Lies on resume about having gone to preschool]
Boss: You’re hired. Your first task is to make me a macaroni picture.
Me: *eyes widen* what
When the chicken shop gives you chicken instead of change?
I guess it’s legal tender.
Her: What’s that account pin again?
Me: 051598
Her: Our wedding anniversary?
Me: Yes…they recommended for security purposes that I pick a number that’s insignificant.
Her:
Me: (immediately starts vacuuming)
Every man wants a smart woman until he wants to win an argument.
My fight or flight response has frequent flyer miles.
[panting, 5 minutes into sex] It’s okay, just go on without me
Looking forward to getting my eyes checked. It’s the only doctor who doesn’t weigh me.
Fun Fact: If someone’s car alarm keeps going off, you’re legally obligated to set the car on fire.
Daughter: This is a long movie preview.
Me: You’re a long movie preview. I’ve been raising you 17 years and still no movie.
*phone rings*
Girlfriend: Hello.
Me: Hi, baby.
GF: Aw, what a nice surprise!
M: I just realized I forgot to say goodbye & I love you this morning.
GF: No, you told me.
M:
GF: You’re talking about the dogs, aren’t you?
M: Are they available?
Small dog owners: My dog chewed on my favorite pair of shoes.
Big dog owners: Yesterday my dog ate a couch.
Don’t ever put money in a savings account because your house will find out and break something expensive.
My face is permanently frozen into this scowl. You were right, Grandma.
How to Talk to Women Who Are Inside an MRI Tube
DON DRAPER: These Simpsons, they’re yellow?
ROGER STERLING: As the day is long.
DON: And the boy?
ROGER: Bart, lotta triangles on his head. (puts out cigarette) Sister, too.
The other night enough comedian friends complimented my sweater that I became certain they were making fun of me.