*answers phone call from boss*
I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME AT WORK!
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An old Russian wisdom:
Tell me who your friends are,
And I’ll tell you what
you’ll be charged with.
The only way I would find gender reveal parties even remotely okay is if the guests had the option to boo when the gender is revealed
Carl: “It’s chilly out.”
Me: “Tell me something I don’t know.”
“Two dogs were hanged during the Salem witch trials.”
“Fair enough, Carl.”
ME TO MY CAT: Now show them the word I taught you that means you have an ouchie.
MY CAT: me-ow
FRIENDS: ……you’re an idiot.
I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do
I had to have stupid emergency laser eye surgery today and I never thought my eyes would be the first to betray me but they’ve seen some shit at this point so I guess it makes sense.
*sees people doing the mannequin challenge, brings back ice bucket challenge and dumps it on mannequin people*
When kidnappers take sensitivity training: fragrance free chloroform
I never leave home without my phone charger but I’m always unprepared in every other way.
PIERRE GASLY WHAT IS THIS ????
Nothing like the lingering dread of a project that goes far too easily.
George W Bush kept us safe just like how abstinence education kept Bristol Palin unpregnant.
MMA – where men fight other men in their underpants.
GOOD LORD WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE oh wait it’s just the tile pattern
In my 20’s: I want to find true love.
In my 40’s: I just want a toaster that gets me.
More “kills” on Tinder than any man in the history of online dating, Bradley Cooper is…. American Swiper.
Vacations in your single 20s: backpacking Europe, hiking a Hawaiian volcano, relaxing poolside in St Croix with a book & a cocktail
Vacations in your 40s with kids: WHY IS SAND ON EVERYTHING, STOP FIGHTING, NO DESSERT FOR YOU, WE’RE ALL GOING TO BED EARLY
If you tell me you have a quick and easy recipe and I have to scroll to get through all the ingredients that’s not a quick and easy recipe.
Also, you’re now dead to me.
My 3-year-old stubbed his toe and then cried and screamed I’M DYING,” so I silently looked at my husband and he sighed and said, “I know. He got that from me.”
boss: why aren’t you working?
me: i didn’t see you coming!
Group of 12 year old girls: We’re scared of boys. Me: OMG, me tooooooo!
Eating just one animal cracker is impossible. The entire herd must go.
POLICE OFFICER: Your name?
MAN: The Rock.
POLICE OFFICER: Your FULL name?
MAN: [quietly] Theodore Rockinghorse.
not interested in dating apps, not interested in talking to random people in coffee shops/bars/shops… need my soulmate to find me through intuition and echo location rn immediately
Tried sneaking downstairs to get a beer but at my age it’s like walking thru a forest covered in dry twigs.
Of all the things we should be thankful for at this time of year, not being a turkey is probably the main one.
Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”
I cry when I cut my carrots because I don’t want my onions to feel awkward.
THE AUDACITY. 😤