When they wheel me out in a body bag I hope someone sticks a pair of googly eyes on the outside.
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Lesson learned: toddlers don’t understand sarcasm. As a side note, don’t say ‘bite me’ around toddlers that don’t understand sarcasm
Monday, if you keep this shit up – I’m taking you out of the will.
You can abandon any ideas of serving me with papers, sir, for as long as my foot remains in this toilet, I am only subject to Maritime Law.
Did you know pigs have orgasms that last 30 minutes?
This is God thanking them for bacon.
I don’t need a boyfriend so much as I need someone to remind me I’m baking cookies when I wander off to start something else
What fresh Hell is this?!?
Welcome to parenthood. Every piece of trash in your house is now a makeshift toy that you are not allowed to throw out.
Me: Should I measure this in miles or kilometers?
Scientist: It doesn’t matter right now just pick something.
Me: What do you mean just pick something??
Scientist: Desperate times call for desperate measures.
I just heated up a delicious chocolate brownie and put some ice cream on top of it & sat on the couch to enjoy it.
Seconds later, Catherine asked Samuel if he’d like a bite on MY brownie.
I faked a smile and gave him a bite.
Soon after, she asked him AGAIN.
I have no wife.
Dogs “play sneeze” to show they’re playing and not being aggressive.
What better way to break the ice with your next eHarmony date?
[Haunted House]
Ghost:You’ve been here a week
Me: I like you
G:You knew what this was
M: I thought I was your boo
G: I say that to everyone
Cop: you get one phone call
me: [dials 911] help
Cats do not subscribe to the laws of physics.
*sees a fly*
ahhh
*trying to swat fly*
nooo
*gives up*
well if ur gona stay at least pay rent lol
FLY: *hands me a tiny check*
ME: wat the
Me: has anyone ever told you how much we appreciate you around here
Coworker: (blushing) um, no
Me: did you ever wonder why that is
To increase profits, commercial airlines need to bring back legroom and snacks then start painting the planes really crazy because nobody wants to miss their chance to fly in a giant meatball sub with batwings.
Keep your friends close and your enemies tied to a train track.
* Puts leftover pizza in the work fridge at 7am
My brain at 7:04:
eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza
“I love potatoes! They are delicious and so versatile. If only they could get me laid…”
-how vodka was born
Just purchased one of those wigs that lawyers in England wear to put on when I have an argument with my wife.
When you find out your hotel has a waffle bar.
Your life is awesome until your oversized clothes start fitting.
I’m not exaggerating when I say I’m into old guys — the last guy I dated had an aol email address.
Good Morning.
If both kids are screaming….
….both kids are alive.
It’s science
Just took my 3 dogs to the vet, so the family will be feasting on ramen noodles, beans, and no name chips for the next few months. At least the dogs are taken care of.
Breaking news:
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
This weekend, my wife & I reached our goal of losing 70 pounds together. But we gained it back when we picked up the kids from my parents.
Its probably time to clean the microwave when you heat coffee and it comes out smelling like a burrito.