I hired a PR team.
They said the public would like me more if I stopped executing people.
I executed the PR team.
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Don’t spend money on body modification. If you wait long enough, your body modifies itself for free.
That moment 4yo becomes a better negotiator than you.
4: “Can I have one?”
“No.”
4: “Okay just 2.”
“No.”
4: “Alright. 3 and I won’t ask again.”
I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.
“What time is it?”
*pulls out phone, checks Twitter, puts phone away*
*Still has no idea what time it is*
Sure, Billy Joel can make love to his tonic and gin but when I do it, I get a PH imbalance and a lifetime ban from my favourite bar.
According to the conductor, the train I’m currently on is going backwards to the previous station to “get a running start” up a hill, which feels like an idea I’d have if I was in charge of a train.
[police station]
LIEUTENANT: do you have an alibi for the night of the murders
SAILOR: i was a hundred feet below sea level in a submarine
SERGEANT: dammit boss that’s airtight
[first date]
HER: ask me anything..
ME: are you paying for dinner?
breakfast: black coffee, overnight oats with sunflower & pumpkin seeds
lunch: lentil soup with carrots and onions, zero calorie vitamin water
dinner: 11 beers, net of babybel cheeses and cigarettes also
*swipes right on my hand mirror
Beast: I’ll be like this until someone loves me for who I am
Ugly girl: I’ll love you for who you are
Beast: not you, someone attractive. So I really learn my lesson
Me: Empty the dishwasher, please.
10 y/o: Can’t…need to work on my business idea.
Me: What’s your business idea?
10y/o: I’m gonna charge anyone who pets our dog.
Me:
10y/o:
Me: Do you need a partner, and how much we chargin?
This hospital has everything
People who say “You can’t argue with that” really don’t know me very well.
When a new bird species visits your bird feeder
I want my tombstone to just say “You should see the other guy” on it
Why roboticize vacuuming? It’s all instant gratification. It’s the crack of cleaning.
me: I wish there were more hours in my day
the sun at 5:30 a. m.: hey
m; eew. no. not you.
“Go to hell” is so abstract. “Get trapped in a porta potty for 67 months.” Now that’s specific. That’s possible. That’s terrifying.
Boss: can I get an update
Me: glitches out and fails to install
I think I speak for all of us when I say I’m being presumptuous.
Teacher: Ok, which of you stole the thesaurus?
Student: Not me
Student: Not me
Student: Nay myself
Student: Not me
I want to be the first Disney princess who uses three layers of pizza to suffocate the main villain.
Call me Pizzerella de Mozzarella.
For once I’d like to be referred to as The Chosen One but not when I’m being identified in a police lineup.
My great grandfather always used to call me Alan. I thought it was him being silly, but I later discovered I was going to the wrong house.
If you yell “DIE” when killing a spider, it dies faster.
A few years ago I began putting away a dollar everytime I wrote a good tweet about hedgehogs.
I need a new financial plan.
Me: Who drew the picture?
8: I can’t remember her name.
Me: You memorize 200 Pokémon but you don’t remember the kids names in class?
8: 213
There are few things more awkward on a blind date than looking up from your phone to realise she’s left.
She obviously wasn’t blind at all.
A parade of slow walkers meander behind my car as I’m trying to pull out of the parking space.