me: well, you know, change is inedible
her: i think you mean inevitable
me: *spitting out several nickels* nope
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relationship goals
Cop: License?
Me: Here.
Cop: Sir this is a notecard with “Liscence” on it. And above that you wrote and crossed out “Lysense” and “Lisance.”
13 just did his laundry without provocation.
I’m sure he wants something, but he’s scaring the hell out of me.
me: *playing hopscotch* you sure you don’t want a turn?
guy: *hugging elevator wall tightly* yes
If we date, pls know I will bird call to you from another aisle in the grocery store
I talk like a sailor in front of my kid. He’s gonna swear anyway and I want him to be good at it.
Everyone talks about how social media is bad for your mental health but what about Excel?
Having kids is great because you get to ask fun questions like why is there a volleyball in the refrigerator?
Open heart surgery? No, just rip it out.
A lady at the store was returning a dozen donuts. I’ve never been so confused. What kind of monster does that?
[creation of trees]
god: when it’s warm you’ll be covered in leaves
tree: like a big coat?
god: yes but when it’s cold they’ll all fall off
tree: (eyes narrow) how long have you been doing this job
Dr: How may I help?
Me: Wife says I’m overweight
D: Yes, I see you’ve a very healthy appetite. OK, let’s talk gastric bands
[later]
Wife: How’d it go?
M: Good! He said I was very healthy, then just wanted to chat about music
people always love to claim that a celebrity’s death is “unexpected” but they never actually release the data on which celebrities they expected to die that day
Child: Can I borrow one of your shirts?
Me: Why?
Child: It’s School Spirit Week.
Me: And?
Child: Today is “Dress Like an Old Person Day.”
There was a man hunched over by a trash can and I heard sniffling and thought he was crying so I said “hey man are you alright” and he turned around and he was doing lines off a book. Pretty sure he’s doing alright.
“I’ll take you for a walk when I’m damn well good and ready!” I say to my dog, defiantly putting on my coat, hat, gloves and scarf while grabbing her leash.
For my next trick I will bust 8 kneecaps with a single kick.
*steps on a spider*
[At a One Direction concert]
No, I’m not a…I SAID NO I’M NOT A BIG ONE DIRECTION FAN I JUST HATE MYSELF AND FEEL THE NEED TO SELF PUNISH
me: *pretending to know about vegetables to impress the cashier* corm is one of my favorite yellows
*gingerly taps banana*
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself.
Me: *typing* exercise
Autocorrect: extra fries
Me: this is better
Anyone else see a huge missed opportunity here?
Warm welcome to all my new followers from last night when I changed my avi to a skinny brunette from Pinterest
The camera adds like 10-15 crooked teeth.
-Steve Buscemi
Me: Wanna take this upstairs?
Her: Mhm, but you should know it’s my first time
Me: Don’t worry, upstairs is like the downstairs, just higher
Every time I see a dude in a trench coat i assume he’s going to flash me. When it doesn’t happen, I assume he’s just a spy
[reading the bible but getting impressed by the wrong parts] woah this guy had 12 friends in his 30’s
When I finished a one on one session with a first grader he pulled back his chair and said I need a strong cup of coffee.
That moment the school calls because 15 was caught drinking at school and it’s still the same principal that had to call your parents.
♫ Hey there Delilah, can we handle this discreetly
My stomach reacted badly
after eating old zucchini ♪
and I just pooooed ♫