I basically have three hairstyles.
1. Straight
2. Wavy
3. Homeless
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[Bomb will explode in 26 seconds]
*googles “how to defuse a bomb”*
*clicks top result*
*it’s a 17-page slideshow.*
GODDAMMIT
*an ad plays*
You know you’re getting older when the person telling you to slow down is you’re doctor, not a cop.
I admire how much mileage The Cut gets out of people writing about when they sleep or are awake
People who camp are like, “But camping is so much fun!” and then tell you a story about how they had to fight a raccoon at 2 AM.
When a yoga class gets too challenging, I like to make up my own poses. So far I have Injured Cobra, Distrustful Dog, Wet Cat, Chalk Body Outline, and Drunk White Girl.
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
If I walk to McDonald’s and back, the strawberry shake doesn’t count, right?
GalileoGalileo, Galileo Galileo, Galileo Figaro
Prescription drug commercial: the most common side effect is diarrhea
Me: ooo I love diarrhea
I can’t be your sugar daddy, but I can be your candy corn man. I’m on a budget here.
“An apple a day takes Billion Dollars away” ~ Samsung
It’s world hepatitis day. Spread it around.
My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.
Just told my dog to say goodnight to his brother, the houseplant
*sets the mood with candlelight, flowers and the pepto bismol jingle
Cartoon orange juice is just pulp fiction
Boy, your name must be Adobe cuz when you call me up for a date, I say “Ask me again later.”
All the rooms in this asthma clinic offer breathtaking views.
I hope this email finds you. And when it finds you it will make you pay.
I’m not the person to call if you need someone to stop you splurging on 10 new books. I’m the one that will hand you the 11th
i stopped listening to the radio once they stopped making them out of ham
Him: You put feathers of a crow in this drink?
Me: Yes, I made sure they all came from 1 crow. It’s…
Him: Please don’t.
Me: …single molt
My son feels about broccoli the way I feel about having to make a phone call.
last night I told my four year old I loved her and she said “I love you so much that if someone chopped your head off I’d carry it around forever in a bag”
Me: I’m so sorry, my dog ate my homework
Comp Sci Professor: your dog ate your coding assignment?
Me:
Prof:
Me: it took him a couple bytes
WIFE: What’re you doing in the garage?
ME: I made a cloning machine.
WIFE: Don’t do anything stupid.
OTHER ME: Like what?
Her: We need a three-way…
Me: How about Joanie?
Her: …bulb in the living room lamp.
Me:
Her:
IDGAF if you’re black, white, yellow, brown or blue.
Well, I do if you’re blue, I’ll stop and give you CPR if you’re blue.
4th grade student: How old are you?
Me: Quite a bit older than you.
Student: So like 23?
Me: Deal. Tell all your friends.
From now on when skinny girls say they’re fat I’m just gonna be like, “Yup” & walk away.